Talibanistan, aka Sweet Home Talibama

Surprisingly and fortunately, I don't have a whole lot of post-election madness to report. I shouldn't say "election" though, because no one has been "elected" yet. This is one of the harsh realities of having donkey based logistics. Ballot boxes being transported on donkeyback take time to get places, and they're counting all the votes by hand, so that each individual one counts. Now isn't that somethin'? I bet if the USA did that, more people would vote. But I'd better cease such simplistic and treasonous talk.

Ok, before I get off track, as far as election associated violence goes, the voting went off without a hitch. They had the little ink scandal, where ink was easily washed off, and all the other candidates said they'd refuse to recognize the winner. However, they eventually came around and said they would indeed support the winner and that everything was a-ok. Make up your minds, fellas! There was a rocket or two fired into town, but no one was hurt, and even though Timmy Taliban was talkin big like he was gonna rip shit up, nothing came of it. Don't get me wrong - the threat was by no means empty - A LOT of explosives and what not were intercepted before they could be put to use because cops were "tipped off."

I'm not a conspiracy theorist, and I think that extreme (for lack of better term) conspiracy theorists are idiots. Having opinions based on misinformation is one thing, but basing opinions off of suspicion, superstition, and internet chain mails is simply unacceptable. Another reason I think they're lame is because being a conspiracy theorist is pretty much a win-win situation. They can "theorize" something after smoking a fat blunt, and if it isn't true, no one calls them on it and tells them they're a retard, but if it is true, my how smart they look. In any case, I'm a little suspicious of these "tip offs." When Donny Rumsfeld came to Kabul, no one knew he was coming. However, the police in Kabul announced with great pride that they found 2 IEDs in Massoud Circle!!! Good on ya, boys! Look at how advanced the Afghan intelligence network is!! Maybe I'm a skeptic, but a lot of the police around here are real dirtbags, and I wouldn't put it past them to stage the discovery of IEDs and stuff like that so they can look good.

But what do I care? No one got hurt, the police and the international community can high-5 each other, and everyone's happy. No voting spots or diplomats got blown to smithereens. So everyone's a winner.

I'm not gonna say that the Taliban are "good guys" by any means, but the fact that they appear to be avoiding blowing up civilians sets my mind at ease a little bit. In Iraq, car bombers drive up to a really crowded area filled with regular Iraqis chillin, and kill like 50 people. (And that's somehow the US's fault..) The fact that they don't do that here on a daily basis does make me (and my family, I'm sure) feel a little better (knock on wood). So I've come up with a little reward/appeasement plan. It's a secret though, don't tell the Taliban about this. I propose that we create a free Talibanistan, where the Taliban can do whatever they want. Kinda like how we made Israel. Only this would be on a much smaller scale, and we wouldn't give them the most kick ass airforce ever and lots of weapons and stuff. Here's the cool part, and how it would kinda resemble Israel. Talibanistan would be located in the middle of Alabama, in an area designated as "Talibama," and would be fenced off or separated with a huge moat full of holy water and fresh water crocodiles or something. This plan is a secret because they won't actually know where it's gonna be prior to leaving, but they'll be reassured that they'll get all the holy warring they want where they're going. This would accomplish a few things:

Provide Hilljacks with a fresh new minority to oppress, and who better than the Taliban?? I mean, they could rock out to Toby Keith during their hunts! It's perfect - Amnesty International might turn a blind eye to this plan.

The Taliban can bugger each other and make horribly offensive statements based on religion and still kind've "fit in" with the local populace, who regularly do the same thing..

Since the Taliban hate women, there won't be any down there, so if the hilljacks don't wipe them out, crocodiles / piranhas / sharks or old age will eventually

We might lose some hilljacks in the process

Ok.. Yeah, this is a joke. While some people say stuff like this in all seriousness, I'm freaking joking, people. Believe it or not, some people have read a little too much into a couple of my blogs. For example, one person took the Blog immediately below this to mean "All Arabs (and Muslims) are terrorists," which is not what I was trying to convey. If I wanted to say that all Arabs and Muslims were terrorists, I would. But they're not, so I won't. Basically I came up with "Talibanistan" and "Talibama" while I was sick in bed and couldn't sleep, and I felt that I needed to include them in my blog 'cuz they were so "clev." (That's how "clev" people say "clever.")

Ok, well, I'm not as freaking clever as I thought. I'm actually really pissed off as I write this. I google'd "Talibanistan" and "Talibama" and apparently a lot of other people beat me to the punch. You can google it yourself. Shit. I'm so less creative in my own eyes. I think I needed something like that to take me down a few notches. I've been a little high and mighty lately. Aah well. The picture of the deliverance dude was kinda "clev," right???

If you feel that you (unlike me, apparently) are "clev," I invite you to come up with some lyrics to Sweet Home Talibama. Don't bother posting them if they're not uproariously funny, though. I won't be posting any cuz I don't feel I can do the song any justice. If you come up with some good lyrics, I'll talk to my Tokyo Lawyers and see about arranging permission to belt it out at karaoke. Oh wait, I don't have any legal recourse, cuz I didn't make it up. So do ur thing.

Ok, so what else is new out here... Looks like I'm gonna get a new roommate. That's right, Kabul Joe is switching compounds, and I'm kinda bummed out about it. He's the yin of my yang. The Feng of my Shui. Replacing him will be my long time friend "Jungle Sam," who has since become "AfghaniSam" because there are no jungles here and he's in Afghanistan. And I came up with "Afghanisam" before anyone else did, particularly one specific Carnie. Oh yeah, Afghanisam is a complete whackjob. Here's a sample of what today might have looked like:


Not sure what mate is? Click here. Sam drinks it. A lot.

Ok, that's all for now. I'll keep the election coverage coming as I hear it, which will probably be some time after you hear it, but because I'm here I'm somehow more "credible." ;) Thanks for reading.