Now on Ebay: Skidmarked Underoos for $50!

There's really only one way to describe how I'm feeling right now:


I'm not quite sure what that means, but I had to think of something. I just really wanted to put that picture on here (thanks Ron).

Ok, so yesterday I was visiting my friend down in San Diego and sitting at Starbucks reading the Newyork Times. On the second page of the newspaper, bigger'n shit, was a huge article about the foreign sex trade in Japan. I enjoyed the article so much that I had to call Ryan, cuz he's from Newyork and lived in Tokyo and I thought it oddly appropriate. Basically the article, called Japan, Easygoing Till Now, Plans Sex Traffic Crackdown, talks about the problem of forgein women being used as hookers in Japan and how the Japanese government doesn't really seem to give a shit about it. Here's some fun facts I learned from the article that, while not surprising, are nice to see in print:

The number of "Entertainer" Visas granted to Filipinas is 80,000 a year.

Holy fuckballs, I say. And they're usually Filipina hilljacks told they're gonna be singers and they end up turnin tricks. But that doesn't surprise me - I saw Marines marry these women all the time. I remember in Okinawa they'd lock them up until like 3pm-5pm when they would all mob on the internet cafe outside base and stink it up with their heinous perfume. What surprised me was EIGHTY-FUCKING-THOUSAND. That's a lot. And the government doesn't seem cued into the whole filipina hooker scene? Like hell. THEY'RE EVERYWHERE IN TOKYO. You'd have to live in an Igloo and commute in a blacked out child-molester van not to notice. So the government is now talking about reducing that to 8,000. Nice. They know it's there and they've always known it's there, cuz they all use it. "I'll be late at work tonight, honey." Suuure...

Japan is the only developed nation on the State Department's watchdog list for countries that deal in human trafficking.

Wow, that's a far cry from what most people think about Japan. Most people think it's fuji, samurai, geishas, and anime. I guess the geisha thing is the only thing that's kinda close to the mark, but most people are pretty confused about what exactly a geisha is in the first place. Obviously any country will have human trafficking and whatnot, but for it to be on the State Department's naughty list is a different matter. Santa is definitely not visiting Japan next year.

Here's a couple funny quotes that would really hurt if I were Japanese:

Japan has always taken a businesslike attitude toward the sex industry, regarding it as necessary, and not necessarily evil. The Japanese government organized Asian sex slaves for its soldiers during World War II and brothels for American soldiers during the postwar occupation.

"Damn dog why you gotta bring up old shit??" I have mixed feelings about that quote.. It's kinda like saying that it's somehow a part of their cultural identity to import women for Japanese dudes to bang cuz they have no game. Which isn't far off the mark, but I'm still not sure I agree with it. But it is kinda strange over there - their attitude about a lot of social problems kinda reminds me of when little kids cover their eyes and think you can't see them 'cuz they can't see you.

It also mentioned another instance that made me laugh really hard when I was still over there right after I got out of the Marines. I was sitting in my apartment in Tokyo very much in my underwear and very much an unemployed scumbag (see the theme of me being an unemployed scumbag on my blog?) and this came on the news:

The sex industry remains a part of the business culture, as was shown in 2003 when an Osaka company organized a three-day sex party with 500 prostitutes in Zhuhai, a city in southern China. The party infuriated the Chinese, especially because it ended on Sept. 18, the anniversary of Japan's invasion of China in 1931.

I don't know what's more funny: 200 Japanese businessmen vs 500 hookers, or the fact that they accidentally did it on the anniversary of Japan's invasion to China. Whoopsie.. Most Japanese people have absolutely no idea about anything that happened during WWII, let alone a date of an invasion. How many Americans know the date of the A-bombs? I bet there was like 1 dude in the whole group who knew but didn't tell anyone 'cuz he thought it would be funny. I had a pet salamander named Sam ("Salamander Sam") when I was 10 or so and his birthday was Sept 18th 'cuz that's when I found him. I wonder if that would outrage Chinese officials too...

And now it's time for my favorite quote of the entire article:

But Joji Imai, president of the Association of Japanese Promoters Recruiting Foreign Entertainers, said cases of prostitution were isolated. "Many of the customers who like to patronize clubs with foreign entertainers are interested in learning foreign languages or discovering foreign cultures," Mr. Imai said. "They enjoy different cultures, such as Filipinos' cheerfulness."

My response to that, on the record, is the following:

" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA "

Oh yeah, and this:


That quote is almost as ridiculous as the whole Crocodile in the Bedroom debaucle. Isolated?!?! He must be out of his fucking mind. I bet I couldn't throw a rock from the top of the JR station in Shinjuku without hitting a "foreign" hooker in the face. Chinese too. The only thing more ubiquitous in Japan than hookers might be Starbucks. And yippy dogs. And Louis Vuitton bags... Anyway, you get my point. I like to think I've lived in Japan in most capacities available - as a student, as a Marine, as a private citizen on the local economy, as a tourist, and soon to be a GS prickski. It didn't matter what "world" I was privy to - this shit isn't isolated like Mr Dumbdumb-san said in the above quote. The lucky ones get sent near bases cuz maybe they can trick some service member to marry them so they can work in the food court or barber shop on base and talk shit cuz their husband is a "staff sergeant!" I'm sure most people go to drinky bars cuz they're interested in learning tagalog. Suuure.. I'd like to find that dude and pimpslap him. What a homo.

Funny quote #2:
Koki Kobayashi, a lawmaker in the governing Liberal Democratic Party, said the visas allowed Filipinos to earn good wages and support their families back home. "It is Japanese economic aid," he said. "Why is only Japan criticized?" he added. "I just can't help thinking that the Japanese government is targeting innocent people just because it has been told to do something by the U.S."

I didn't know whorehouses were so altruistic. I'm sure US Companies hiring illegal Mexicans are doing it for the good of the Mexicans' family. If it's for the good of the women, why do the bars they work at take their passports? And lock them up? Weird.

Hopefully I didn't come off as too judgemental on the "poor girls" who get duped into going over there. I don't really care about them. It's not my cause, nor is any cause really. But let's call a spade a spade, folks. Japan has been able to avoid international scrutiny like this because the international media is obsessed with pointing out the faults of, say, the USA. The Japanese media has (until recently, I suppose) also been a lot more considerate about airing Japan's dirty laundry. Why make "We Japanese" look bad when just across the Pacific Ocean the citizens of the U S of A are doing far more inane and degenerate things? That's much more interesting. And once they sort out their little foreigner prostitute situation, maybe they can move on to the problem of their own girls doing weird shit for the aforementioned Louis Vuitton bags. Hell, if I could get $100 for selling a pair of my underwear you can be damn sure I'd be in the market, skidmarks and all. I'd even sport some underoos for the sake of novelty. (Well, I'd do that for free if they sold them in my size.. The world would be a better place if I could get some Pac-Man underoos.)

Ok, what else is new. I'm enjoying my stay here in California - I've gotten to see all my "boys" and shit. I've been eating like a fucking T-rex at a chili cookoff. I'll put off the whole "fitness thing" until I get settled and all sedentaried up in Japan. It will be easy 'cuz I'll be responsible for making my own food, which will probably consist of eggwhites, protein shakes, and vodka. I should be out there the first week of March. Yipee! Hopefully this post stimulates some Japanophiles to write comments. There's nothing worse than a Gaijin with rose-colored glasses.

...Ladies and Gentleman of the Jury, what say ye?

We find the defendent....Retarded as charged.

Again, I'll get back to what that means in a bit. Some of you undoubtedly understand what it means. Basically, I'm a retard. Through and through. When I was but a twinkle in my old man's eye, engaged in some cosmic game of chromosomal poker, the dealer fucked up and shorted me. Again, I'll explain later...

So I'm back in the states, and have been for a week. My sister seems to wanna "kick it old school" and not have internet in her house, so I haven't had much chance to get on and write about the Adventure that is ... The Return Home.

Being in foreign countries has always intrigued me for a number of reasons, one of the main reasons being that you see stuff that you don't really see elsewhere, and you can't really bring justice to the comedy of the situation when you talk about it later. But allow me to try..

On layover in Dubai, I didn't get a hotel room even though I 'technically' rated one. However, as we all know, using the word 'technically' is the last refuge of a geek or someone who gets screwed over somehow on a 'technicality,' but luckily my travelling buddy did get a room, so I ditched my shit in his room, watched some Star World, and eventually we headed to the bar to see what was crackin'. Dubai (UAE) is a cool place, cuz it's very much what you would think of as a "middle eastern" country in that it's dusty and hot and mosquey, with dudes cruisin around in man jammies and the whole getup, but there's so much money there that it's considered one of those progressive middle eastern states. I guess chain smoking + alcohol + Russian chicks + wanna be "mercs" makes a place progressive. In keeping with "progression," when we went to the bar I saw all the prereqs:

Arabs clad in man jammies and the headdress getting shitfaced and chain smoking

Russian chicks dancing on stage wearing ridiculous outfits matched and surpassed only by their ridiculous choreography and fake smiles (cuz we all know Russian chicks are grumpy creatures).

Wanna be mercs maddogging everyone

But the icing on the cake was:

A man in his 60s doing a dance solo in the middle of the bar. I guess when you spend your golden years in Thailand you forget where you are...

It seems a lot less comical when I write it. Kinda one of those "had to be there" things I guess.

So I flew out of Dubai to Heathrow, and this dude sits next to me. He had a screaming high 'n' tight haircut, a well groomed goatee, some 5.11 pants right out of battalion quartermaster, a riggers belt, and an oohrah marine corps shirt with "iraq" written on the sleeve. So I said, "...So, you workin as a contractor in Iraq?" That would be akin to asking a man wearing an orange afro, a red nose, giant shoes, and a polkadot unisuit, "...So, you a clown?" but I couldn't really think of a better way to break the ice. Oh, but this ice wasn't to be broken. He musta been PSD or something tough like that, cuz he didn't really wanna talk to me. He said, "Yeah, you?" and I sed "I've been working in Afghanistan." and he said "What program?" and I said "Poppy eradication." I was being pretty cheerful and not acting like a toughguy, so maybe I didn't measure up. Plus I was dressed like an unemployed scumbag which, coincidentally, I am, so that's where the conversation ended. So I slept for 8 hours. I guess I coulda pulled out the old "so were you a Marine?" thing, but why bother? After dealing with meathead psuedotoughguys for 7 months, I wasn't gonna lose sleep over another one, so I didn't. My customary 4 tylenol PMs sealed the deal. Peace out homo, have fun cheating on your wife wherever you're going, blowing your child support from the previous one, and pretending like you don't hate your job.

So I went on a 2 day drinkathon in DC and Baltimore. Apparently I must have morphed into some sort of anthropomorphic furniture item, cuz guys in bars kept leaning on me. It was really freaking me out, but they did it wherever I went. I'd be standing there, some guy would have his back to my back, and he'd kinda lean back. What's going on with that? It kind've took away from the evening(s) because it made me really nervous. I'm still not used to dealing with crowds of people being so close to me.

I am writing this on a seriously excessive laptop I bought. Hopefully I don't destroy it somehow, or spit coke all over it or something.

Aah yes, back to the matter at hand. Why I'm a retard. I'm not talking about how I dress, talk, carry myself, my inability to do simple math problems, my outlook on life, my tendency to accidentally pee in sinks, etc.. At the Cincinnati Airport I pulled a couple real good ones.

First, I missed my flight. My connecting flight. I thought it was an hour behind the east coast, so I sat there and read a book while my flight took off. Yeah, aren't I a seasoned traveller. That was strike one. Strike two is even better. Now, we all know that stuff in airports is expensive, and I'll be the first one to line up and buy a bottle of orange juice for $3. It's a fact of life, and since money and numbers go hand in hand, I tend to throw it around even when I don't have any. So I spot this little store called Laptops 'r' Us or something, and I cruise in (cuz I have 4 more hours till the next flight) and discover that it's also an internet cafe. I hop in, get online, start talkin to some friends, whatever, and an hour later I come out ready to continue waiting around. The dude there asks, "All done?" and I say "Yessir!" and he says, "Ok, that'll be $43 dollars." Again, I'm bad with numbers, and I don't usually complain about price, but I looked at him and said, "....Dude...That's really expensive." to which he responed, "Well, you were in there for 60 minutes exactly" as if it were a measly $5... So I bent over and took it right in the keister. What other choice did I have?

So that's why I am a retard. And because I will undoubtedly make thousands of other stupid mistakes like that during the rest of my tenure here on planet earth, I will always be ...a tard.

So I'll leave you with a gorgeous picture taken by a friend of mine named Rob, aka "The Bipolar Express." I saw him shoot a bus once. An occupied one. He's a whackjob, but he takes a mean photo:


Looking at it makes me miss the scenery "over there." I really miss the guys I worked with too, so this blogs for you. Hereye hereye. Or is it hearye hearye. My Ole English isn't what it used to be. Jolly good. Peace out, more later.