...Final day in country...

That's right - today is my last full day in country. Right now I'm a little preoccupied with getting out of here (I'm actually sitting around waiting to get picked up so I can take care of some things) and I'm kind've frustrated.

I figured I'd put together a little list of things that I will miss and things that I will NOT miss about this place.

Things I will miss:

The insanity of this place - the cars, how the people act, people fighting in the streets. Rules don't seem to be so much rules as "suggestions.'

The natural beauty of this place is, in my opinion, unparalleled. I'm sure other people who have been to other spots will disagree with me, but this is just my opinion. I think I could truly be happy if I were to wake up every morning and see some of the landscapes I saw in Bamiyan. That place, to me, is what heaven would look like.

Afghan people... I admit, I hold these people in pretty high regard. Most Americans I work with think they're all stupid and constantly talk shit about Afghans and wonder how they could ever win a war, etc etc.. I think that sort of attitude is kinda funny, because countless amounts of people have come in with the exact same high-and-mighty attitude and gotten the dogshit knocked out of them. I found Afghans to be very friendly, and while their driving methods are ... different ... than ours, as long as you don't act like a typical road raging retard, it's not a really big deal. It's just how they drive. It kind've goes along with a general overly laid back attitude, but again, you can ask the Ruskies and the British before them about that...

The South Africans. I've never met a more polite and generous group of guys, which is funny because they're all a bunch of war criminals. They put politeness and courtesy above all, and are very sensitive to how politely they're regarded. They do not tolerate rudeness. I think this is something that people in the USA (me included, I suppose) could learn a lot from. They're the type of guys who are always glad to see you and always have a nice thing to say. It might sound corny, but considering the alternative, which is the norm with most of the Americans who work here, it's very refreshing. I hope to someday travel to South Africa (where I have an open invitation at several locations!!) and see these guys again. I kind've feel like a fraud for leaving at this point in the program, but it's time to move onto greener pastures I guess, and no one begrudges me my choice (because they'd all do the same thing :) ).

The kids. The kids who hung out outside of our compound served as a doorway in a lot of ways to how things work here. Out of each group, there is always one or two who has a certain intelligence, savvy, etc, and you can just tell that they're very unique and dynamic individuals. I will miss the two brothers Omed and Fuad (not sure how to spell their names). I hope that maybe they'll get an email address or give some of the guys here their address - I think it would be amazing to see these kids in 10 years or 5 years and see how they're doing. We (contractors) come and go, have our fun, have interesting experiences, get paychecks, etc, but in the end we're just transients. We move on and do other things, but I will never forget these kids and the Afghan people in general, and I plan to keep tabs on both (if I can) to see how things are going. Here's a pic of the two brothers and me, probably back in June:



Ok, now on to the next section:
Things I will not miss:

The management here. I've never run into a bigger group of socially and professionally inept assholes in all my life - and that's a lot, considering I spent some time in the USMC. Right now, our "boss" is holding my plane tickets hostage cuz he wants a drill that I left with someone. Yeah, shit like that. These guys think they're still in the military, that they're Reichsmarshalls, and that everyone else is a recruit. Coupled with extreme paranoia and obesity, I guess there is an element of humor that makes things barely tolerable. Either way it amazed me, and I really hope that this company isn't representative of all corporate leadership in the USA. Yipes.

The pure, unabashed Redneckery of some of the people here. Don't get me wrong - some of the coolest folks I know are rednecks. But often times there are certain things associated with it, the most irritating of which is the winning combination of blind nationalism and religious / racial intolerance. I guess everyone's entitled to their opinion - the South Africans certainly have their opinions about society, but my problem with these American guys is that they just seem to want to tell everyone. They don't really give a shit what you think about their opinions, or that they don't know what they're talking about, 'cuz accepting baby Jesus as your savior makes everything a-ok. I'm not exaggerating either - this all became clear to me when I moved compounds and was surrounded by the Bible Belt's Finest. One guy was cruising around yesterday with confederate flags on his pants, shirt, and wearing a confederate bandana. Fortunately he was dealt with (and I think fired, because he mouthed off to an "important" person here). These are some of the people that are hired on here. Crazy. It's odd though because when you're not talking about stuff associated with that "winning combination," they're really good guys. But god forbid CNN be on, and god forbid some Afghan pissed them off. Word on the street it's even worse at other sites, so I'm glad I'm not there to see it.

So I guess that's what it boils down to - the elements I will miss the most and miss the least are the human factors here. Sure, being isolated sucks, being away from your family/friends sucks, but it's almost as if these people have taken it upon themselves to make sure that it REALLY sucks by doing everything the hard way and being complete fuckheads. Aside from the fact that, everyday at least twice, I wanted to go into someone's office and ram a chair up their ass, this job really wasn't too bad, and I have no complaints. I knew about the things associated with remote jobs when I signed on, but I didn't imagine how miserable people could make a group of [fairly] professional and experienced former military guys feel. On the opposite side of the coin, however, the people I got the opportunity to meet and work with were among one of the greatest parts of this whole experience. I got to work with guys from South Africa, Bosnia, Angola, Nepal, and a couple others, and I'm glad they were patient with my constant stream of questions and curiosity about the places they lived and their experiences. All in all, I guess I'll chalk it all up on the experience board and move on. I wouldn't trade in the experiences I had, good or bad, for anything.

So yeah, assuming I locate this power drill and turn it in to the appropriate authorities, I'll get my plane tickets and be happy. I can totally understand why he would hold on to my tickets - if there's one thing I need, it's a power drill. I've always wanted one, and will do anything I can to smuggle it out of the country. My plans have been foiled again!!!

I don't know how much I'll be writing after today - maybe something about my reactions to returning to the US of A after 7 solid months away. Hopefully I won't abandon everyone like Kabul Joe did... More later - Double Impact is on. Nothing gets you in touch like bad action movies like being in a foreign country.

Karma's a byotch

I figure what comes around goes around... That might be a load of bullshit, and maybe life shits on everyone at one time or another, and people on the outside say "what comes around goes around" because it's a much more spiritual way of saying "you deserved it, fucker." And that's what it comes down too, right? I mean, horrible things happen to people who don't deserve it in the least, and people just say "wow, that sucks, he's such a nice guy."

So why am I talking about this... G. Dubya Bush had his inauguration, and a lot of people are really pissed off about it. So in keeping with freedom of expression, a group of people decided to have an anti-war protest during the inauguration. Having an anti-war demonstration is fine - that's their right, and I'm gonna say that anyone shouldn't do it. But come on. I'd like to start a government organization, recruit all my friends, and follow all the demonstrators around and keep tabs on them. Learn about their lives. I'd find out when they had a special day - like when their kids have a graduation, when they're having a wedding, something really special. I'd make a database of their lives and make sure to repay karma on them. During their special day - their wedding or graduation or whatever, I'd hire 10 of my friends, buy them a bunch of booze (all charged to the government of course :) ), and wreck their shit. I wonder if they would make the connection? I seriously doubt it. I think they'd probably say something like, "I cant believe someone would do that on such a special occasion!" Or an even more moderate course of action would just be to dig up a bunch of dirt on the person and plant people to walk around the party talking shit about whoever's special day it is. "Yeah, old Steve.. It's good he finally settled down. Yeah, he used to be a real wild one.. You remember how he went on that "business trip" to Thailand? Yeah. Four Thai hookers at the same time.. Don't tell anyone I told you that though."

As an American you have the right to do a lot of things without some special branch of the police to beat you up over infractions, but politeness and decent upbringing often restrain us from doing things that we are "free" to do. I'm free to wear a shirt that says "You're gay" or belch thunderously in movie theatres. People who do and say inappropriate things are often criticized for their actions, so why are people who do socially uncouth things in the policial arena applauded for their courage? Wasn't Sebastian Bach from the band Skid Row (if you didn't know what band he was the front man for, you need to do some homework) just exercising his freedom of expression when he was photographed wearing a shirt that said "Aids Kills Fags Dead"?? Duh... I'm not really looking for an answer. Any answer would probably be lame anyway.

So what's going on around here.. It's snowing a lot here, which I don't mind because it's generally a bit warmer here when it's snowing. A lot of people don't realize that is snows in Afghanistan, so I present the following picture:


It's been getting a might chilly 'round these parts. Yesterday I went to Mazar-i-sharif and there was a Bushkazi game going on next to the compound. That's the national sport of Afghanistan. It's where a bunch of horseman ride around and try and get a dead sheep into the opposing team's goal. My friends think that Afghans got the idea from Rambo III. I'll let you decide whether that's fact or fiction, though. Here's an aerial shot of the game. They started playing after we took off in our groovy MI8 helicopter. God bless the ruskies!
Here's a picture from the air:



I sent all the paperwork off for my job in Japanistan, and I should be jumping ship here within the next couple weeks. If my tickets aren't taken care of a few days out, I'm gonna throw a temper tantrum. I consider myself a fairly laid back guy, but I think I've had more temper tantrums here since the month of May then I did in 5 years of the Marines. Yeah. Clownops. Bigtime. Either way, I posted some more pictures in my photo gallery at the end of the Afghanistan folder.

Fare thee well, Kabul Joe....

You’ll be happy to know that as I write this, I’m sitting in an AN32B flying from Kandahar back to Kabul. I read the entire way down here, so I thought I’d mix it up a little bit and write. I haven’t written a blog in a little bit, so I figured this was a good time.

I’ll dedicate this blog to Kabul Joe, who has been offered another job stateside (with our same company) and as of yesterday has been en route to snuggle with his Bolivian Bombshell. He seems really proud of the fact that his girlfriend is Bolivian, but I find it quite offensive to revel in such things. Eating disorders are nothing to brag about. I’m pretty happy for him, but I’d like to take this opportunity to make fun of him for a little bit. The following picture sums up a lot of what I'm about to say:



Many of you may not know this, but Joe likes to sing gay sailor songs when he gets roaring drunk. Like we’re at the pub and just got done annihilating the whale population, and he’s been drinking too much “mead.” He’ll make you turn off whatever music you’re currently listening to so he can assail your ears (and sensibilities) with sailor songs riddled with references to homosexuality and sex with [dead] animals. I don’t think he realizes that the songs are so lyrically depraved, otherwise he’d sing them when he was sober too. I will miss many things about Joe – he gave me a lot of material to giggle about. He’s an old school fellow faced with new school problems. For instance, the old school approach to the theory and practice of argument, that is, attempting to overwhelm whoever disagrees with you with earth shattering arrogance, is easily parried by google.com. He never really figured out that I generally don’t contradict someone unless I’m 1000% sure that I’m right, and even then I’ll preface my contradiction with “…you sure?” to give the person a chance to back out. He also has a “penchant” for pronouncing French loan words in their original form, e,g. “penchant” becomes “paw-shawn,” “accoutrements” becomes “a-kew-twah-mahng,” etc.. My cousin and I used to make fun of French academicians by speaking about something abstract in a French accent, being unable to find a word in the barbaric English language to properly express our superior sense of French enlightenment, and then making up a French sounding word. So people who insist on pronouncing French words like a drunken French pseudo-scholar is always hysterical to me. Yes, I will miss these things, and look forward to hearing more sailor songs about sodomy and his stalwart defense of the French population’s character when I see him stateside… Assuming he’ll still talk to me, that is... His linguistic neo-Hitlerite attitude is, unbeknownst to him, at odds with his deeply engrained left-wing psychosis, so there was never a dull moment here in Adventurestan. Kabul Joe, you will be missed.

Ok, that should suffice as a mini-roast. I could go on, but my sense of self restraint is epic, allowing me to have a firm foot hold on one of the things that I have such a hated for: The Moral High Ground. In keeping with that, I shall attempt to thwart any counter attacks by posting my own shortcomings right here and now that KJ seemed to be at odds with:

I am comfortable with the fact that I am messy, and I will always have a servant class to clean up after me. Thank you for filling that niche so well, you must be genetically predisposed or something.

Room clearing, eye watering flatulence is simply a side effect of maintaining a healthy mind and healthy body, and acts as an organic Lysol of sorts to counter Kabul’s fragrant air.

Ok, enough of this madness. I’m sure that anyone who knows Joe (and me) will be able to relate. For those of you who don’t, thanks for bearing with me and be sure to check out Joe’s page (and the rest of mine for that matter) for some pure, unadulterated grooviness. Either way, I’m happy I had the opportunity to work with Joe. T-cell banzai!

There isn’t a whole lot to report on lately – I’ve been getting out to the regional training centers a little bit lately which has helped give me something to do and got me out of a little slump I was in for a couple days. Today at Kandahar I got to meet up with Sam and make sure everything was kosher with him, and those of you who know him will be happy to hear that he is still unable to express his thoughts in a coherent manner, which of course is why we love him so much. Life in Kabul is as uneventful as ever, but like I always say, uneventful is a good thing in this part of the planet.

I am happy to report that I got a job offer in Japan, and accepted it. Hopefully that will work out, and while my Adventurestan experience will come to an end, I will be opening up a whole new chapter in my life. A real grown-up job will be nice as well, and lately I've been craving a more sedentary existence...... So hopefully everything works out with that - so far so good...