Terrorists feed Ice Cream to Crocodile; Crocodile Placated

Ok, I had to devote a special place on my blog to this quote because I thought it was so hysterical. I was talking to my best friend Brando who is currently in Iraq, and he cut and pasted a classic quote. In the article titled Muslim Extremists Preach Violence in Europe on Foxnews.com, you can find the following:

"We cannot tolerate a crocodile in our bedroom," said Sheik Omar Bakri. "U.S. forces in Muslim countries are crocodiles in our bedrooms. So we are not going to give them ice cream."

I kind've thought this was a joke, and that only a retard would say something like this. Then I realized that it was a quote from a muslim extremist, so my question was pretty much answered right there. It also raised some other very important questions that I spent hours and hours pondering:

What's a crocodile doing in his bedroom?

If I were a crocodile, why would I be in someone's bedroom?

If I were a crocodile in someone's bedroom, would ice cream make me happy?

Well the answer to number 3 is obvious - ice cream makes everything OK. Maybe Sheik Omar Bakri would have been more specific and powerful if he would have said, "So we are not going to give them puppies and ice cream." I'd definitely be convinced if he said that.

I also thought about the first two questions I posed, and I came up with the only possible explaination: Shiek Omar Bakri was quoting from a game of Madlibs that he played during a raging hashish binge. I've located the actual "Madlibs for Muslim Extremists" and I found the same template he used, and I've taken the liberty to put it on here so you can play too:

We cannot tolerate a(n) [animal name] in our [name of room in house]. U.S. forces in Muslim countries are [previous animal] in our [previous room name]. So we are not going to give them [tastey treat].

I came up with my own quote, and I think my message hits home far more effectively than the Sheik's:

We cannot tolerate an Emu in our shower stall. U.S. forces in Muslim countries are Emus in our shower stall. So we are not going to give them marzipan.

I thought the quote was ridiculous, but I wanted to do some research for myself regarding crocodiles and ice cream, so I looked to the ultimate source regarding crocodiles: The Crocodile Hunter! Believe it or not, I located this amazing picture and everything that I thought about the stupid quote became shockingly clear:




Just kidding. I added the ice cream myself. The quote is still among the most ridiculous ever.

Or we could take it to the next level of madness:
No Ice Cream for you, fuckers!


The only thing worse than an extremist is an extremist being extreme in the country they're "against" while enjoying the benefits of said society. Seriously guys... Don't get me started.

That's all I have for now. Enjoy the holidays!

Happy Holidays from Kabul!

There's a lot of F bombs in this post for various reasons, and why wouldn't there be? It's the holidays!! So if you find it offensive, don't click on the interactive things. :)

Yeah, so I've been watching the news a lot lately and it seems like my fellow American citizens are all up in arms about holiday nomenclature. Christmas? Hanukah? Chanukah? Kwanzaa? What's going on? Ok, before I go on that rant, I've decided to make my blog a little bit more interactive for the holiday season. For those of you who'd like to have a Happier Hanukah, I ask that you click here for some Chanukah Cheer.

This little flash animation kinda says it all too:


For those of you, like myself, who associate "The Jesus" with a certain movie out there, I've included an abusive Jesus for you below. If you don't know what movie it's from, feel free to ask, but I demand that you rent it and see it ASAP. (Thanks to eBaum's world for this.)



And for those of you who are feeling patriotic, click here:It rocks.

Ok, now that's you've enjoyed the bejesus (hehe) out of my little additions, I'll get back to all the holiday madness.

All I know about this holiday season is that Santa's flight schedule won't be bringing him to my neck of the woods this year. It's gotten colder here, and the Afghans have responded by donning their "cold weather gear," i,e. a blanket wrapped around them. Meanwhile back in the US of A, people are "taking a stand" about singing christmas carols in school and having nativity scenes in parks, etc etc.. I watch news like that and, to be quite blunt, I can't fucking believe it. Well, I can, but it blows my mind. Right now there are thousands and thousands of troops overseas, and families who have nothing left of their loved ones but pictures and memories to keep them company. I'm not even talking about myself - I've spent plenty of holidays away from my family, but I'm counting on there being a next year. I have that luxury because I'm still alive.

This year I don't plan on being worried about nativity scenes at Walmart - I'm happy that I'm alive, that my friends in Iraq are still alive, and I will be thinking of the people whose families will never again be able to enjoy the company of their sons and daughters, mothers and fathers. I'd wager a month's salary that a majority of the people pissing and moaning about singing Christmas carols in schools have the luxury of seeing the look of joy on their childrens' faces when they open up their presents, and at the end of the day they get to tuck their children in at night. And what of the children who will never get to be tucked in by their mothers and fathers because they died in some shithole nation thousands of miles away? I guess I'm not normally prone to simplistic "solutions" or "arguments" on this blog, but since it's the holiday season I'll make an exception:

Americans- Shut the fuck up. Please. If you thought about it for 2 seconds, you'd realize what you had.

Ok, now that I've gotten that off of my chest... It should be a (hopefully in some ways) uneventful Christmas and New Years here in Afghanistan. I really don't have any plans, partially because I don't have very much freedom of movement. We do have *some* options as for stuff to do, but whether or not I take advantage of that is up in the air. I might just sit around here and watch TV and sit online like I always do, but then again maybe I'll get really drunk and practice my Kung-fu. For those of you who are at home, please be careful. I don't pray, but if you do, please throw in a word to whoever might be listening for the people who are in harm's way.

Thanks for reading--

Reconciling "Intellect" and "Feeling"

Ever since I was introduced to the world of Cultural Anthropology (which I eventually chose as my major in college), I've been faced with the challenge of coming to terms with what I can see with my own two eyes and come to understand as fact, and what I feel based on my deeply engrained cultural notions. In other words, when I or someone is put in a situation or given a piece of information, we have the choice of reacting cerebrally, i,e. intellectually, or viscerally - deeply emotionally. These two concepts are polar to one another. To better illustate this I made a little picture:

I kind've see these two images as a representation of these two polar opposites - Mr Spock, lacking any emotion at all, and a stereotypical hippie, who I see as someone who reacts off of what they "feel" rather than what is actually out there simply because "they know."

So why am I even talking about this? During my travels I've been faced with a lot of gut feelings regarding the people I encounter and the things I do. During the day I have a lot of down time, so I take the opportunity to read different articles from different view points. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I spend a lot of time reading articles from Sabawoon Online, which has a really good database of articles relating to Afghanistan. They pull articles from almost every source available, from The Economist to Reuters to The Washington Post.

I consider myself to be relatively "patriotic" (for lack of a better term). I love my country, I spent 5 years in the Marines, and if I could get a decent job (while taking care of myself, of course) in the capacity of government work that I found enjoyable and fulfilling, I'd much rather do that than work for some CEO who's getting some serous coin off of my efforts.

I've always considered myself a realist, and questioning things isn't a new revelation that I'm just coming to terms with. It's not like I just graduated a highschool from a small farm town and am just beginning to realize that politicians tell lies and have ulterior motives. For me, it's an ongoing process - when we stop questioning what's around us and simply decide on a viewpoint, locking out all new information for what we feel to be "so," we turn into the hippy and are no better than many typical college students who gets a piece of information and runs with it without exploring other sides, because it makes "so much sense."

...But we are human, and as humans we are deeply emotional and in many ways slaves to our culture and upbringing. This is not a bad thing - it's what has made us successful and able to survive, but it's also an integral part of [our] destructive nature and ability to cause conflict among one another.

I thought I'd put this out there because it's something that is very much a part of my life out here, and something I've thought about after reading a lot of articles about a lot of suffering in the name of the prevention of suffering. Am I doing the right thing? Is democracy right for these people? Are the sacrifices these and many other people are making at present in good proportion to their society as a whole/the future of the society? How does one measure proportionate suffering? For those of us who are not in the midst of the horrors and ghastly results of modernization and democratization, it's easy to brush it off as a necessary evil in the name of social progress. However, I encourage you to read the following article which is about the long lasting effects of uranium depleted weapons that the USA uses on a reglar basis, and the long term effects it seems to be having on rural Afghanistan:
The Silent Genocide from America

Let me mention that I take issue with the term "genocide" used by the author in this article. Genocide implies an intentional, systematic extermination of a populace with the aim of wiping it out. The author, Mohammed Daud Miraki, is obviously putting a great deal of his own emotion into this article (what authors don't?), but he still has some compelling data.

The author quotes an Afghan who has seen some of the effects on his children:

"Tell the Americans, they kill us to sustain your way of life, when they enjoy living, they better think about the 15 members of my family. Tell them that they are guilty. Only if they had conscience, they would know that they are as guilty as their government."

I'm sure most Americans would be appalled by some of the images shown in the article, and would have nothing but sympathy for the father who was quoted. However, at the same time they would still be sure, whether outright or on a subconscious level, that this was a necessary suffering because the life that they enjoy should be enjoyed by everyone in the world, especially when considering the alternative, which was an oppressive theocracy where women had no rights and human rights violations were a rule rather an an exception.

So that's the reality. It's difficult to find a happy medium between things. Was liberating these people from an opperssive regime worth it? Should the USA just leave them alone and turn its head, just as its turned its head on areas of lesser strategic value?

The thing underlying these questions is the fact that as a society, we are allowed to ask these questions, are educated enough and informed/have access to enough information to be aware of international situations, and have the capacity to analyze them. These are not privledges extended to everyone in the world, and I'm sure that most Americans wouldn't see these things as privledges, but rather as their rights as a human being. However, these freedoms have come at an enormous cost. I would hope that the people who enjoy these percieved rights understand the value of them, and remind themselves to put a little bit of "Mr Spock" in analyzing the foundations of their perceptions regarding the rest of the world, and acknowledge the amount of suffering and sacrifice made by individuals before them to allow them to have such opinions for no cost and without responsibility.

That's all I have for now. Thanks for reading--

The Adventure continues...

Well, I arrived back in Afghanistan a few days ago...

I don't really feel like going into detail about the nightmare that was my return trip, but suffice it to say that someone "upstairs" was reminding me that yes, I was returning to a shitty place, and that no, the trip home was not going to be easy. Allah akbar, bitches. I invite anyone who complains about the airline situation in the USA to take a little trip on Afghan Ariana Airlines. Have you ever showed up to the airport only to find out that your plane, for some reason, left an hour and a half early? Yeah... It happened. I actually lost my temper in the airport and flipped out on someone, which is quite rare.

So now I'm back. Japan was a good time, but I thought it was definitely time to come back. I don't know when I'll be back there... It was relaxing in some ways, but it was time to come back. So maybe you're wondering what's been going on since I came back? Well, on friday my roommate decided to start drinking at 9am or so. Here's a little schematic of what went down:

This is one of the many hazards of Afghanistan. Work wise I haven't really done a whole lot. I had a lot of good ideas personal/professional goals upon arriving here, but unfortunately it looks like I may be being sent to Konduz. I was pretty pissed off when I found out about that, but I've pretty resigned myself to whatever happens. Hopefully something will come up and I won't have to go, but fuck it. The guys here think I'm being dumb because if I went to Konduz I wouldn't really do much of anything all day, but that's not really what I want to be doing. I'd much rather be able to keep busy and help develop some good training here and whatnot... If I were at Konduz I'd probably just sit around and make stuff like this:

So yeah.. It's not like Konduz is some sort of hellhole (moreso than anywhere else around here) but I was just a little surprised when I found out I'd be headin' out there. Whatever happens happens, but I was just kinda jazzed about being able to stick around Kabul and help improve this program a little bit.

Ok, so what else? Nothing really. I'll keep you posted if anything of note happens.

More later--