Adventurestan

..Domestic adventures abound...

2005-03-04T18:37:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I just got back from a month of domestic travelling, and I got to see a lot of people that I haven't seen in a while and really needed to see. LA, San Diego, Colorado Springs, Denver, Ohio, DC - good trip. Aside from a few minor hitches, i,e. spending almost $50 in an internet cafe in the airport, missing a flight, losing my credit card, not remembering which airline I was on, and almost missing another flight, everything went OK I think. I was definitely getting in touch with my inner child, seen below:

I got a chance to spend some time with Mr K, my favorite carnie. How many carnies do you know? I know one. While that might make him my favorite carnie by default, I think even if I became with a large group of carnies, he'd still be number one.

During my stay there, he sent me an absolutely awesome and all telling picture of Afghanisam. Afghanisam has made several appearances on this blog in several forms, but I think this one is by far the most definitive:

As you may already know, Afghanisam is in Kandahar. I like to refer to "Kandahar" as "Klandahar" because so many of the Americans who work at that regional training center are lunatic racists. So I went ahead and got into the Time/Space machine that I have in my garage, punched in a few numbers, and arrived in a different time and space where Sam was assimilated by the klansman. I snapped a picture and just barely escaped with my life, and I want to show everyone what I discovered:

Hang in there Sam, be strong. Don't become Afklanisam.

So yeah, other than that nothing going on. I've shaved my beard, cut my hair, and got some nice new duds that, when I wear them, I look like a freaking officer. An "Oh." A "Zero." A "Rupert." Yeah, that's me. Gotta be all serious and stuff now. :( But no big deal, from the sounds of it I'll have plenty of time to play and be merry. I leave the day after tomorrow. Woohoo!

Now on Ebay: Skidmarked Underoos for $50!

2005-02-17T11:18:00.000-08:00

There's really only one way to describe how I'm feeling right now:

I'm not quite sure what that means, but I had to think of something. I just really wanted to put that picture on here (thanks Ron).

Ok, so yesterday I was visiting my friend down in San Diego and sitting at Starbucks reading the Newyork Times. On the second page of the newspaper, bigger'n shit, was a huge article about the foreign sex trade in Japan. I enjoyed the article so much that I had to call Ryan, cuz he's from Newyork and lived in Tokyo and I thought it oddly appropriate. Basically the article, called Japan, Easygoing Till Now, Plans Sex Traffic Crackdown, talks about the problem of forgein women being used as hookers in Japan and how the Japanese government doesn't really seem to give a shit about it. Here's some fun facts I learned from the article that, while not surprising, are nice to see in print:

The number of "Entertainer" Visas granted to Filipinas is 80,000 a year.

Holy fuckballs, I say. And they're usually Filipina hilljacks told they're gonna be singers and they end up turnin tricks. But that doesn't surprise me - I saw Marines marry these women all the time. I remember in Okinawa they'd lock them up until like 3pm-5pm when they would all mob on the internet cafe outside base and stink it up with their heinous perfume. What surprised me was EIGHTY-FUCKING-THOUSAND. That's a lot. And the government doesn't seem cued into the whole filipina hooker scene? Like hell. THEY'RE EVERYWHERE IN TOKYO. You'd have to live in an Igloo and commute in a blacked out child-molester van not to notice. So the government is now talking about reducing that to 8,000. Nice. They know it's there and they've always known it's there, cuz they all use it. "I'll be late at work tonight, honey." Suuure...

Japan is the only developed nation on the State Department's watchdog list for countries that deal in human trafficking.

Wow, that's a far cry from what most people think about Japan. Most people think it's fuji, samurai, geishas, and anime. I guess the geisha thing is the only thing that's kinda close to the mark, but most people are pretty confused about what exactly a geisha is in the first place. Obviously any country will have human trafficking and whatnot, but for it to be on the State Department's naughty list is a different matter. Santa is definitely not visiting Japan next year.

Here's a couple funny quotes that would really hurt if I were Japanese:

Japan has always taken a businesslike attitude toward the sex industry, regarding it as necessary, and not necessarily evil. The Japanese government organized Asian sex slaves for its soldiers during World War II and brothels for American soldiers during the postwar occupation.

"Damn dog why you gotta bring up old shit??" I have mixed feelings about that quote.. It's kinda like saying that it's somehow a part of their cultural identity to import women for Japanese dudes to bang cuz they have no game. Which isn't far off the mark, but I'm still not sure I agree with it. But it is kinda strange over there - their attitude about a lot of social problems kinda reminds me of when little kids cover their eyes and think you can't see them 'cuz they can't see you.

It also mentioned another instance that made me laugh really hard when I was still over there right after I got out of the Marines. I was sitting in my apartment in Tokyo very much in my underwear and very much an unemployed scumbag (see the theme of me being an unemployed scumbag on my blog?) and this came on the news:

The sex industry remains a part of the business culture, as was shown in 2003 when an Osaka company organized a three-day sex party with 500 prostitutes in Zhuhai, a city in southern China. The party infuriated the Chinese, especially because it ended on Sept. 18, the anniversary of Japan's invasion of China in 1931.

I don't know what's more funny: 200 Japanese businessmen vs 500 hookers, or the fact that they accidentally did it on the anniversary of Japan's invasion to China. Whoopsie.. Most Japanese people have absolutely no idea about anything that happened during WWII, let alone a date of an invasion. How many Americans know the date of the A-bombs? I bet there was like 1 dude in the whole group who knew but didn't tell anyone 'cuz he thought it would be funny. I had a pet salamander named Sam ("Salamander Sam") when I was 10 or so and his birthday was Sept 18th 'cuz that's when I found him. I wonder if that would outrage Chinese officials too...

And now it's time for my favorite quote of the entire article:

But Joji Imai, president of the Association of Japanese Promoters Recruiting Foreign Entertainers, said cases of prostitution were isolated. "Many of the customers who like to patronize clubs with foreign entertainers are interested in learning foreign languages or discovering foreign cultures," Mr. Imai said. "They enjoy different cultures, such as Filipinos' cheerfulness."

My response to that, on the record, is the following:

" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA "

Oh yeah, and this:

That quote is almost as ridiculous as the whole Crocodile in the Bedroom debaucle. Isolated?!?! He must be out of his fucking mind. I bet I couldn't throw a rock from the top of the JR station in Shinjuku without hitting a "foreign" hooker in the face. Chinese too. The only thing more ubiquitous in Japan than hookers might be Starbucks. And yippy dogs. And Louis Vuitton bags... Anyway, you get my point. I like to think I've lived in Japan in most capacities available - as a student, as a Marine, as a private citizen on the local economy, as a tourist, and soon to be a GS prickski. It didn't matter what "world" I was privy to - this shit isn't isolated like Mr Dumbdumb-san said in the above quote. The lucky ones get sent near bases cuz maybe they can trick some service member to marry them so they can work in the food court or barber shop on base and talk shit cuz their husband is a "staff sergeant!" I'm sure most people go to drinky bars cuz they're interested in learning tagalog. Suuure.. I'd like to find that dude and pimpslap him. What a homo.

Funny quote #2:
Koki Kobayashi, a lawmaker in the governing Liberal Democratic Party, said the visas allowed Filipinos to earn good wages and support their families back home. "It is Japanese economic aid," he said. "Why is only Japan criticized?" he added. "I just can't help thinking that the Japanese government is targeting innocent people just because it has been told to do something by the U.S."

I didn't know whorehouses were so altruistic. I'm sure US Companies hiring illegal Mexicans are doing it for the good of the Mexicans' family. If it's for the good of the women, why do the bars they work at take their passports? And lock them up? Weird.

Hopefully I didn't come off as too judgemental on the "poor girls" who get duped into going over there. I don't really care about them. It's not my cause, nor is any cause really. But let's call a spade a spade, folks. Japan has been able to avoid international scrutiny like this because the international media is obsessed with pointing out the faults of, say, the USA. The Japanese media has (until recently, I suppose) also been a lot more considerate about airing Japan's dirty laundry. Why make "We Japanese" look bad when just across the Pacific Ocean the citizens of the U S of A are doing far more inane and degenerate things? That's much more interesting. And once they sort out their little foreigner prostitute situation, maybe they can move on to the problem of their own girls doing weird shit for the aforementioned Louis Vuitton bags. Hell, if I could get $100 for selling a pair of my underwear you can be damn sure I'd be in the market, skidmarks and all. I'd even sport some underoos for the sake of novelty. (Well, I'd do that for free if they sold them in my size.. The world would be a better place if I could get some Pac-Man underoos.)

Ok, what else is new. I'm enjoying my stay here in California - I've gotten to see all my "boys" and shit. I've been eating like a fucking T-rex at a chili cookoff. I'll put off the whole "fitness thing" until I get settled and all sedentaried up in Japan. It will be easy 'cuz I'll be responsible for making my own food, which will probably consist of eggwhites, protein shakes, and vodka. I should be out there the first week of March. Yipee! Hopefully this post stimulates some Japanophiles to write comments. There's nothing worse than a Gaijin with rose-colored glasses.

...Ladies and Gentleman of the Jury, what say ye?

2005-02-08T20:23:00.000-08:00

We find the defendent....Retarded as charged.

Again, I'll get back to what that means in a bit. Some of you undoubtedly understand what it means. Basically, I'm a retard. Through and through. When I was but a twinkle in my old man's eye, engaged in some cosmic game of chromosomal poker, the dealer fucked up and shorted me. Again, I'll explain later...

So I'm back in the states, and have been for a week. My sister seems to wanna "kick it old school" and not have internet in her house, so I haven't had much chance to get on and write about the Adventure that is ... The Return Home.

Being in foreign countries has always intrigued me for a number of reasons, one of the main reasons being that you see stuff that you don't really see elsewhere, and you can't really bring justice to the comedy of the situation when you talk about it later. But allow me to try..

On layover in Dubai, I didn't get a hotel room even though I 'technically' rated one. However, as we all know, using the word 'technically' is the last refuge of a geek or someone who gets screwed over somehow on a 'technicality,' but luckily my travelling buddy did get a room, so I ditched my shit in his room, watched some Star World, and eventually we headed to the bar to see what was crackin'. Dubai (UAE) is a cool place, cuz it's very much what you would think of as a "middle eastern" country in that it's dusty and hot and mosquey, with dudes cruisin around in man jammies and the whole getup, but there's so much money there that it's considered one of those progressive middle eastern states. I guess chain smoking + alcohol + Russian chicks + wanna be "mercs" makes a place progressive. In keeping with "progression," when we went to the bar I saw all the prereqs:

Arabs clad in man jammies and the headdress getting shitfaced and chain smoking

Russian chicks dancing on stage wearing ridiculous outfits matched and surpassed only by their ridiculous choreography and fake smiles (cuz we all know Russian chicks are grumpy creatures).

Wanna be mercs maddogging everyone

But the icing on the cake was:

A man in his 60s doing a dance solo in the middle of the bar. I guess when you spend your golden years in Thailand you forget where you are...

It seems a lot less comical when I write it. Kinda one of those "had to be there" things I guess.

So I flew out of Dubai to Heathrow, and this dude sits next to me. He had a screaming high 'n' tight haircut, a well groomed goatee, some 5.11 pants right out of battalion quartermaster, a riggers belt, and an oohrah marine corps shirt with "iraq" written on the sleeve. So I said, "...So, you workin as a contractor in Iraq?" That would be akin to asking a man wearing an orange afro, a red nose, giant shoes, and a polkadot unisuit, "...So, you a clown?" but I couldn't really think of a better way to break the ice. Oh, but this ice wasn't to be broken. He musta been PSD or something tough like that, cuz he didn't really wanna talk to me. He said, "Yeah, you?" and I sed "I've been working in Afghanistan." and he said "What program?" and I said "Poppy eradication." I was being pretty cheerful and not acting like a toughguy, so maybe I didn't measure up. Plus I was dressed like an unemployed scumbag which, coincidentally, I am, so that's where the conversation ended. So I slept for 8 hours. I guess I coulda pulled out the old "so were you a Marine?" thing, but why bother? After dealing with meathead psuedotoughguys for 7 months, I wasn't gonna lose sleep over another one, so I didn't. My customary 4 tylenol PMs sealed the deal. Peace out homo, have fun cheating on your wife wherever you're going, blowing your child support from the previous one, and pretending like you don't hate your job.

So I went on a 2 day drinkathon in DC and Baltimore. Apparently I must have morphed into some sort of anthropomorphic furniture item, cuz guys in bars kept leaning on me. It was really freaking me out, but they did it wherever I went. I'd be standing there, some guy would have his back to my back, and he'd kinda lean back. What's going on with that? It kind've took away from the evening(s) because it made me really nervous. I'm still not used to dealing with crowds of people being so close to me.

I am writing this on a seriously excessive laptop I bought. Hopefully I don't destroy it somehow, or spit coke all over it or something.

Aah yes, back to the matter at hand. Why I'm a retard. I'm not talking about how I dress, talk, carry myself, my inability to do simple math problems, my outlook on life, my tendency to accidentally pee in sinks, etc.. At the Cincinnati Airport I pulled a couple real good ones.

First, I missed my flight. My connecting flight. I thought it was an hour behind the east coast, so I sat there and read a book while my flight took off. Yeah, aren't I a seasoned traveller. That was strike one. Strike two is even better. Now, we all know that stuff in airports is expensive, and I'll be the first one to line up and buy a bottle of orange juice for $3. It's a fact of life, and since money and numbers go hand in hand, I tend to throw it around even when I don't have any. So I spot this little store called Laptops 'r' Us or something, and I cruise in (cuz I have 4 more hours till the next flight) and discover that it's also an internet cafe. I hop in, get online, start talkin to some friends, whatever, and an hour later I come out ready to continue waiting around. The dude there asks, "All done?" and I say "Yessir!" and he says, "Ok, that'll be $43 dollars." Again, I'm bad with numbers, and I don't usually complain about price, but I looked at him and said, "....Dude...That's really expensive." to which he responed, "Well, you were in there for 60 minutes exactly" as if it were a measly $5... So I bent over and took it right in the keister. What other choice did I have?

So that's why I am a retard. And because I will undoubtedly make thousands of other stupid mistakes like that during the rest of my tenure here on planet earth, I will always be ...a tard.

So I'll leave you with a gorgeous picture taken by a friend of mine named Rob, aka "The Bipolar Express." I saw him shoot a bus once. An occupied one. He's a whackjob, but he takes a mean photo:

Looking at it makes me miss the scenery "over there." I really miss the guys I worked with too, so this blogs for you. Hereye hereye. Or is it hearye hearye. My Ole English isn't what it used to be. Jolly good. Peace out, more later.

...Final day in country...

2005-01-28T22:23:00.000-08:00

That's right - today is my last full day in country. Right now I'm a little preoccupied with getting out of here (I'm actually sitting around waiting to get picked up so I can take care of some things) and I'm kind've frustrated.

I figured I'd put together a little list of things that I will miss and things that I will NOT miss about this place.

Things I will miss:

The insanity of this place - the cars, how the people act, people fighting in the streets. Rules don't seem to be so much rules as "suggestions.'

The natural beauty of this place is, in my opinion, unparalleled. I'm sure other people who have been to other spots will disagree with me, but this is just my opinion. I think I could truly be happy if I were to wake up every morning and see some of the landscapes I saw in Bamiyan. That place, to me, is what heaven would look like.

Afghan people... I admit, I hold these people in pretty high regard. Most Americans I work with think they're all stupid and constantly talk shit about Afghans and wonder how they could ever win a war, etc etc.. I think that sort of attitude is kinda funny, because countless amounts of people have come in with the exact same high-and-mighty attitude and gotten the dogshit knocked out of them. I found Afghans to be very friendly, and while their driving methods are ... different ... than ours, as long as you don't act like a typical road raging retard, it's not a really big deal. It's just how they drive. It kind've goes along with a general overly laid back attitude, but again, you can ask the Ruskies and the British before them about that...

The South Africans. I've never met a more polite and generous group of guys, which is funny because they're all a bunch of war criminals. They put politeness and courtesy above all, and are very sensitive to how politely they're regarded. They do not tolerate rudeness. I think this is something that people in the USA (me included, I suppose) could learn a lot from. They're the type of guys who are always glad to see you and always have a nice thing to say. It might sound corny, but considering the alternative, which is the norm with most of the Americans who work here, it's very refreshing. I hope to someday travel to South Africa (where I have an open invitation at several locations!!) and see these guys again. I kind've feel like a fraud for leaving at this point in the program, but it's time to move onto greener pastures I guess, and no one begrudges me my choice (because they'd all do the same thing :) ).

The kids. The kids who hung out outside of our compound served as a doorway in a lot of ways to how things work here. Out of each group, there is always one or two who has a certain intelligence, savvy, etc, and you can just tell that they're very unique and dynamic individuals. I will miss the two brothers Omed and Fuad (not sure how to spell their names). I hope that maybe they'll get an email address or give some of the guys here their address - I think it would be amazing to see these kids in 10 years or 5 years and see how they're doing. We (contractors) come and go, have our fun, have interesting experiences, get paychecks, etc, but in the end we're just transients. We move on and do other things, but I will never forget these kids and the Afghan people in general, and I plan to keep tabs on both (if I can) to see how things are going. Here's a pic of the two brothers and me, probably back in June:

Ok, now on to the next section:
Things I will not miss:

The management here. I've never run into a bigger group of socially and professionally inept assholes in all my life - and that's a lot, considering I spent some time in the USMC. Right now, our "boss" is holding my plane tickets hostage cuz he wants a drill that I left with someone. Yeah, shit like that. These guys think they're still in the military, that they're Reichsmarshalls, and that everyone else is a recruit. Coupled with extreme paranoia and obesity, I guess there is an element of humor that makes things barely tolerable. Either way it amazed me, and I really hope that this company isn't representative of all corporate leadership in the USA. Yipes.

The pure, unabashed Redneckery of some of the people here. Don't get me wrong - some of the coolest folks I know are rednecks. But often times there are certain things associated with it, the most irritating of which is the winning combination of blind nationalism and religious / racial intolerance. I guess everyone's entitled to their opinion - the South Africans certainly have their opinions about society, but my problem with these American guys is that they just seem to want to tell everyone. They don't really give a shit what you think about their opinions, or that they don't know what they're talking about, 'cuz accepting baby Jesus as your savior makes everything a-ok. I'm not exaggerating either - this all became clear to me when I moved compounds and was surrounded by the Bible Belt's Finest. One guy was cruising around yesterday with confederate flags on his pants, shirt, and wearing a confederate bandana. Fortunately he was dealt with (and I think fired, because he mouthed off to an "important" person here). These are some of the people that are hired on here. Crazy. It's odd though because when you're not talking about stuff associated with that "winning combination," they're really good guys. But god forbid CNN be on, and god forbid some Afghan pissed them off. Word on the street it's even worse at other sites, so I'm glad I'm not there to see it.

So I guess that's what it boils down to - the elements I will miss the most and miss the least are the human factors here. Sure, being isolated sucks, being away from your family/friends sucks, but it's almost as if these people have taken it upon themselves to make sure that it REALLY sucks by doing everything the hard way and being complete fuckheads. Aside from the fact that, everyday at least twice, I wanted to go into someone's office and ram a chair up their ass, this job really wasn't too bad, and I have no complaints. I knew about the things associated with remote jobs when I signed on, but I didn't imagine how miserable people could make a group of [fairly] professional and experienced former military guys feel. On the opposite side of the coin, however, the people I got the opportunity to meet and work with were among one of the greatest parts of this whole experience. I got to work with guys from South Africa, Bosnia, Angola, Nepal, and a couple others, and I'm glad they were patient with my constant stream of questions and curiosity about the places they lived and their experiences. All in all, I guess I'll chalk it all up on the experience board and move on. I wouldn't trade in the experiences I had, good or bad, for anything.

So yeah, assuming I locate this power drill and turn it in to the appropriate authorities, I'll get my plane tickets and be happy. I can totally understand why he would hold on to my tickets - if there's one thing I need, it's a power drill. I've always wanted one, and will do anything I can to smuggle it out of the country. My plans have been foiled again!!!

I don't know how much I'll be writing after today - maybe something about my reactions to returning to the US of A after 7 solid months away. Hopefully I won't abandon everyone like Kabul Joe did... More later - Double Impact is on. Nothing gets you in touch like bad action movies like being in a foreign country.

Karma's a byotch

2005-01-20T21:32:00.000-08:00

I figure what comes around goes around... That might be a load of bullshit, and maybe life shits on everyone at one time or another, and people on the outside say "what comes around goes around" because it's a much more spiritual way of saying "you deserved it, fucker." And that's what it comes down too, right? I mean, horrible things happen to people who don't deserve it in the least, and people just say "wow, that sucks, he's such a nice guy."

So why am I talking about this... G. Dubya Bush had his inauguration, and a lot of people are really pissed off about it. So in keeping with freedom of expression, a group of people decided to have an anti-war protest during the inauguration. Having an anti-war demonstration is fine - that's their right, and I'm gonna say that anyone shouldn't do it. But come on. I'd like to start a government organization, recruit all my friends, and follow all the demonstrators around and keep tabs on them. Learn about their lives. I'd find out when they had a special day - like when their kids have a graduation, when they're having a wedding, something really special. I'd make a database of their lives and make sure to repay karma on them. During their special day - their wedding or graduation or whatever, I'd hire 10 of my friends, buy them a bunch of booze (all charged to the government of course :) ), and wreck their shit. I wonder if they would make the connection? I seriously doubt it. I think they'd probably say something like, "I cant believe someone would do that on such a special occasion!" Or an even more moderate course of action would just be to dig up a bunch of dirt on the person and plant people to walk around the party talking shit about whoever's special day it is. "Yeah, old Steve.. It's good he finally settled down. Yeah, he used to be a real wild one.. You remember how he went on that "business trip" to Thailand? Yeah. Four Thai hookers at the same time.. Don't tell anyone I told you that though."

As an American you have the right to do a lot of things without some special branch of the police to beat you up over infractions, but politeness and decent upbringing often restrain us from doing things that we are "free" to do. I'm free to wear a shirt that says "You're gay" or belch thunderously in movie theatres. People who do and say inappropriate things are often criticized for their actions, so why are people who do socially uncouth things in the policial arena applauded for their courage? Wasn't Sebastian Bach from the band Skid Row (if you didn't know what band he was the front man for, you need to do some homework) just exercising his freedom of expression when he was photographed wearing a shirt that said "Aids Kills Fags Dead"?? Duh... I'm not really looking for an answer. Any answer would probably be lame anyway.

So what's going on around here.. It's snowing a lot here, which I don't mind because it's generally a bit warmer here when it's snowing. A lot of people don't realize that is snows in Afghanistan, so I present the following picture:

It's been getting a might chilly 'round these parts. Yesterday I went to Mazar-i-sharif and there was a Bushkazi game going on next to the compound. That's the national sport of Afghanistan. It's where a bunch of horseman ride around and try and get a dead sheep into the opposing team's goal. My friends think that Afghans got the idea from Rambo III. I'll let you decide whether that's fact or fiction, though. Here's an aerial shot of the game. They started playing after we took off in our groovy MI8 helicopter. God bless the ruskies!
Here's a picture from the air:

I sent all the paperwork off for my job in Japanistan, and I should be jumping ship here within the next couple weeks. If my tickets aren't taken care of a few days out, I'm gonna throw a temper tantrum. I consider myself a fairly laid back guy, but I think I've had more temper tantrums here since the month of May then I did in 5 years of the Marines. Yeah. Clownops. Bigtime. Either way, I posted some more pictures in my photo gallery at the end of the Afghanistan folder.

Fare thee well, Kabul Joe....

2005-01-10T04:35:00.000-08:00

You’ll be happy to know that as I write this, I’m sitting in an AN32B flying from Kandahar back to Kabul. I read the entire way down here, so I thought I’d mix it up a little bit and write. I haven’t written a blog in a little bit, so I figured this was a good time.

I’ll dedicate this blog to Kabul Joe, who has been offered another job stateside (with our same company) and as of yesterday has been en route to snuggle with his Bolivian Bombshell. He seems really proud of the fact that his girlfriend is Bolivian, but I find it quite offensive to revel in such things. Eating disorders are nothing to brag about. I’m pretty happy for him, but I’d like to take this opportunity to make fun of him for a little bit. The following picture sums up a lot of what I'm about to say:

Many of you may not know this, but Joe likes to sing gay sailor songs when he gets roaring drunk. Like we’re at the pub and just got done annihilating the whale population, and he’s been drinking too much “mead.” He’ll make you turn off whatever music you’re currently listening to so he can assail your ears (and sensibilities) with sailor songs riddled with references to homosexuality and sex with [dead] animals. I don’t think he realizes that the songs are so lyrically depraved, otherwise he’d sing them when he was sober too. I will miss many things about Joe – he gave me a lot of material to giggle about. He’s an old school fellow faced with new school problems. For instance, the old school approach to the theory and practice of argument, that is, attempting to overwhelm whoever disagrees with you with earth shattering arrogance, is easily parried by google.com. He never really figured out that I generally don’t contradict someone unless I’m 1000% sure that I’m right, and even then I’ll preface my contradiction with “…you sure?” to give the person a chance to back out. He also has a “penchant” for pronouncing French loan words in their original form, e,g. “penchant” becomes “paw-shawn,” “accoutrements” becomes “a-kew-twah-mahng,” etc.. My cousin and I used to make fun of French academicians by speaking about something abstract in a French accent, being unable to find a word in the barbaric English language to properly express our superior sense of French enlightenment, and then making up a French sounding word. So people who insist on pronouncing French words like a drunken French pseudo-scholar is always hysterical to me. Yes, I will miss these things, and look forward to hearing more sailor songs about sodomy and his stalwart defense of the French population’s character when I see him stateside… Assuming he’ll still talk to me, that is... His linguistic neo-Hitlerite attitude is, unbeknownst to him, at odds with his deeply engrained left-wing psychosis, so there was never a dull moment here in Adventurestan. Kabul Joe, you will be missed.

Ok, that should suffice as a mini-roast. I could go on, but my sense of self restraint is epic, allowing me to have a firm foot hold on one of the things that I have such a hated for: The Moral High Ground. In keeping with that, I shall attempt to thwart any counter attacks by posting my own shortcomings right here and now that KJ seemed to be at odds with:

I am comfortable with the fact that I am messy, and I will always have a servant class to clean up after me. Thank you for filling that niche so well, you must be genetically predisposed or something.

Room clearing, eye watering flatulence is simply a side effect of maintaining a healthy mind and healthy body, and acts as an organic Lysol of sorts to counter Kabul’s fragrant air.

Ok, enough of this madness. I’m sure that anyone who knows Joe (and me) will be able to relate. For those of you who don’t, thanks for bearing with me and be sure to check out Joe’s page (and the rest of mine for that matter) for some pure, unadulterated grooviness. Either way, I’m happy I had the opportunity to work with Joe. T-cell banzai!

There isn’t a whole lot to report on lately – I’ve been getting out to the regional training centers a little bit lately which has helped give me something to do and got me out of a little slump I was in for a couple days. Today at Kandahar I got to meet up with Sam and make sure everything was kosher with him, and those of you who know him will be happy to hear that he is still unable to express his thoughts in a coherent manner, which of course is why we love him so much. Life in Kabul is as uneventful as ever, but like I always say, uneventful is a good thing in this part of the planet.

I am happy to report that I got a job offer in Japan, and accepted it. Hopefully that will work out, and while my Adventurestan experience will come to an end, I will be opening up a whole new chapter in my life. A real grown-up job will be nice as well, and lately I've been craving a more sedentary existence...... So hopefully everything works out with that - so far so good...

Terrorists feed Ice Cream to Crocodile; Crocodile Placated

2004-12-26T22:23:00.000-08:00

Ok, I had to devote a special place on my blog to this quote because I thought it was so hysterical. I was talking to my best friend Brando who is currently in Iraq, and he cut and pasted a classic quote. In the article titled Muslim Extremists Preach Violence in Europe on Foxnews.com, you can find the following:

"We cannot tolerate a crocodile in our bedroom," said Sheik Omar Bakri. "U.S. forces in Muslim countries are crocodiles in our bedrooms. So we are not going to give them ice cream."

I kind've thought this was a joke, and that only a retard would say something like this. Then I realized that it was a quote from a muslim extremist, so my question was pretty much answered right there. It also raised some other very important questions that I spent hours and hours pondering:

What's a crocodile doing in his bedroom?

If I were a crocodile, why would I be in someone's bedroom?

If I were a crocodile in someone's bedroom, would ice cream make me happy?

Well the answer to number 3 is obvious - ice cream makes everything OK. Maybe Sheik Omar Bakri would have been more specific and powerful if he would have said, "So we are not going to give them puppies and ice cream." I'd definitely be convinced if he said that.

I also thought about the first two questions I posed, and I came up with the only possible explaination: Shiek Omar Bakri was quoting from a game of Madlibs that he played during a raging hashish binge. I've located the actual "Madlibs for Muslim Extremists" and I found the same template he used, and I've taken the liberty to put it on here so you can play too:

We cannot tolerate a(n) [animal name] in our [name of room in house]. U.S. forces in Muslim countries are [previous animal] in our [previous room name]. So we are not going to give them [tastey treat].

I came up with my own quote, and I think my message hits home far more effectively than the Sheik's:

We cannot tolerate an Emu in our shower stall. U.S. forces in Muslim countries are Emus in our shower stall. So we are not going to give them marzipan.

I thought the quote was ridiculous, but I wanted to do some research for myself regarding crocodiles and ice cream, so I looked to the ultimate source regarding crocodiles: The Crocodile Hunter! Believe it or not, I located this amazing picture and everything that I thought about the stupid quote became shockingly clear:

Just kidding. I added the ice cream myself. The quote is still among the most ridiculous ever.

Or we could take it to the next level of madness:
No Ice Cream for you, fuckers!

The only thing worse than an extremist is an extremist being extreme in the country they're "against" while enjoying the benefits of said society. Seriously guys... Don't get me started.

That's all I have for now. Enjoy the holidays!

Happy Holidays from Kabul!

2004-12-24T01:26:00.000-08:00

There's a lot of F bombs in this post for various reasons, and why wouldn't there be? It's the holidays!! So if you find it offensive, don't click on the interactive things. :)

Yeah, so I've been watching the news a lot lately and it seems like my fellow American citizens are all up in arms about holiday nomenclature. Christmas? Hanukah? Chanukah? Kwanzaa? What's going on? Ok, before I go on that rant, I've decided to make my blog a little bit more interactive for the holiday season. For those of you who'd like to have a Happier Hanukah, I ask that you click here for some Chanukah Cheer.

This little flash animation kinda says it all too:

For those of you, like myself, who associate "The Jesus" with a certain movie out there, I've included an abusive Jesus for you below. If you don't know what movie it's from, feel free to ask, but I demand that you rent it and see it ASAP. (Thanks to eBaum's world for this.)

And for those of you who are feeling patriotic, click here:It rocks.

Ok, now that's you've enjoyed the bejesus (hehe) out of my little additions, I'll get back to all the holiday madness.

All I know about this holiday season is that Santa's flight schedule won't be bringing him to my neck of the woods this year. It's gotten colder here, and the Afghans have responded by donning their "cold weather gear," i,e. a blanket wrapped around them. Meanwhile back in the US of A, people are "taking a stand" about singing christmas carols in school and having nativity scenes in parks, etc etc.. I watch news like that and, to be quite blunt, I can't fucking believe it. Well, I can, but it blows my mind. Right now there are thousands and thousands of troops overseas, and families who have nothing left of their loved ones but pictures and memories to keep them company. I'm not even talking about myself - I've spent plenty of holidays away from my family, but I'm counting on there being a next year. I have that luxury because I'm still alive.

This year I don't plan on being worried about nativity scenes at Walmart - I'm happy that I'm alive, that my friends in Iraq are still alive, and I will be thinking of the people whose families will never again be able to enjoy the company of their sons and daughters, mothers and fathers. I'd wager a month's salary that a majority of the people pissing and moaning about singing Christmas carols in schools have the luxury of seeing the look of joy on their childrens' faces when they open up their presents, and at the end of the day they get to tuck their children in at night. And what of the children who will never get to be tucked in by their mothers and fathers because they died in some shithole nation thousands of miles away? I guess I'm not normally prone to simplistic "solutions" or "arguments" on this blog, but since it's the holiday season I'll make an exception:

Americans- Shut the fuck up. Please. If you thought about it for 2 seconds, you'd realize what you had.

Ok, now that I've gotten that off of my chest... It should be a (hopefully in some ways) uneventful Christmas and New Years here in Afghanistan. I really don't have any plans, partially because I don't have very much freedom of movement. We do have *some* options as for stuff to do, but whether or not I take advantage of that is up in the air. I might just sit around here and watch TV and sit online like I always do, but then again maybe I'll get really drunk and practice my Kung-fu. For those of you who are at home, please be careful. I don't pray, but if you do, please throw in a word to whoever might be listening for the people who are in harm's way.

Thanks for reading--

Reconciling "Intellect" and "Feeling"

2004-12-09T21:02:00.000-08:00

Ever since I was introduced to the world of Cultural Anthropology (which I eventually chose as my major in college), I've been faced with the challenge of coming to terms with what I can see with my own two eyes and come to understand as fact, and what I feel based on my deeply engrained cultural notions. In other words, when I or someone is put in a situation or given a piece of information, we have the choice of reacting cerebrally, i,e. intellectually, or viscerally - deeply emotionally. These two concepts are polar to one another. To better illustate this I made a little picture:

I kind've see these two images as a representation of these two polar opposites - Mr Spock, lacking any emotion at all, and a stereotypical hippie, who I see as someone who reacts off of what they "feel" rather than what is actually out there simply because "they know."

So why am I even talking about this? During my travels I've been faced with a lot of gut feelings regarding the people I encounter and the things I do. During the day I have a lot of down time, so I take the opportunity to read different articles from different view points. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I spend a lot of time reading articles from Sabawoon Online, which has a really good database of articles relating to Afghanistan. They pull articles from almost every source available, from The Economist to Reuters to The Washington Post.

I consider myself to be relatively "patriotic" (for lack of a better term). I love my country, I spent 5 years in the Marines, and if I could get a decent job (while taking care of myself, of course) in the capacity of government work that I found enjoyable and fulfilling, I'd much rather do that than work for some CEO who's getting some serous coin off of my efforts.

I've always considered myself a realist, and questioning things isn't a new revelation that I'm just coming to terms with. It's not like I just graduated a highschool from a small farm town and am just beginning to realize that politicians tell lies and have ulterior motives. For me, it's an ongoing process - when we stop questioning what's around us and simply decide on a viewpoint, locking out all new information for what we feel to be "so," we turn into the hippy and are no better than many typical college students who gets a piece of information and runs with it without exploring other sides, because it makes "so much sense."

...But we are human, and as humans we are deeply emotional and in many ways slaves to our culture and upbringing. This is not a bad thing - it's what has made us successful and able to survive, but it's also an integral part of [our] destructive nature and ability to cause conflict among one another.

I thought I'd put this out there because it's something that is very much a part of my life out here, and something I've thought about after reading a lot of articles about a lot of suffering in the name of the prevention of suffering. Am I doing the right thing? Is democracy right for these people? Are the sacrifices these and many other people are making at present in good proportion to their society as a whole/the future of the society? How does one measure proportionate suffering? For those of us who are not in the midst of the horrors and ghastly results of modernization and democratization, it's easy to brush it off as a necessary evil in the name of social progress. However, I encourage you to read the following article which is about the long lasting effects of uranium depleted weapons that the USA uses on a reglar basis, and the long term effects it seems to be having on rural Afghanistan:
The Silent Genocide from America

Let me mention that I take issue with the term "genocide" used by the author in this article. Genocide implies an intentional, systematic extermination of a populace with the aim of wiping it out. The author, Mohammed Daud Miraki, is obviously putting a great deal of his own emotion into this article (what authors don't?), but he still has some compelling data.

The author quotes an Afghan who has seen some of the effects on his children:

"Tell the Americans, they kill us to sustain your way of life, when they enjoy living, they better think about the 15 members of my family. Tell them that they are guilty. Only if they had conscience, they would know that they are as guilty as their government."

I'm sure most Americans would be appalled by some of the images shown in the article, and would have nothing but sympathy for the father who was quoted. However, at the same time they would still be sure, whether outright or on a subconscious level, that this was a necessary suffering because the life that they enjoy should be enjoyed by everyone in the world, especially when considering the alternative, which was an oppressive theocracy where women had no rights and human rights violations were a rule rather an an exception.

So that's the reality. It's difficult to find a happy medium between things. Was liberating these people from an opperssive regime worth it? Should the USA just leave them alone and turn its head, just as its turned its head on areas of lesser strategic value?

The thing underlying these questions is the fact that as a society, we are allowed to ask these questions, are educated enough and informed/have access to enough information to be aware of international situations, and have the capacity to analyze them. These are not privledges extended to everyone in the world, and I'm sure that most Americans wouldn't see these things as privledges, but rather as their rights as a human being. However, these freedoms have come at an enormous cost. I would hope that the people who enjoy these percieved rights understand the value of them, and remind themselves to put a little bit of "Mr Spock" in analyzing the foundations of their perceptions regarding the rest of the world, and acknowledge the amount of suffering and sacrifice made by individuals before them to allow them to have such opinions for no cost and without responsibility.

That's all I have for now. Thanks for reading--

The Adventure continues...

2004-12-04T19:22:00.000-08:00

Well, I arrived back in Afghanistan a few days ago...

I don't really feel like going into detail about the nightmare that was my return trip, but suffice it to say that someone "upstairs" was reminding me that yes, I was returning to a shitty place, and that no, the trip home was not going to be easy. Allah akbar, bitches. I invite anyone who complains about the airline situation in the USA to take a little trip on Afghan Ariana Airlines. Have you ever showed up to the airport only to find out that your plane, for some reason, left an hour and a half early? Yeah... It happened. I actually lost my temper in the airport and flipped out on someone, which is quite rare.

So now I'm back. Japan was a good time, but I thought it was definitely time to come back. I don't know when I'll be back there... It was relaxing in some ways, but it was time to come back. So maybe you're wondering what's been going on since I came back? Well, on friday my roommate decided to start drinking at 9am or so. Here's a little schematic of what went down:

This is one of the many hazards of Afghanistan. Work wise I haven't really done a whole lot. I had a lot of good ideas personal/professional goals upon arriving here, but unfortunately it looks like I may be being sent to Konduz. I was pretty pissed off when I found out about that, but I've pretty resigned myself to whatever happens. Hopefully something will come up and I won't have to go, but fuck it. The guys here think I'm being dumb because if I went to Konduz I wouldn't really do much of anything all day, but that's not really what I want to be doing. I'd much rather be able to keep busy and help develop some good training here and whatnot... If I were at Konduz I'd probably just sit around and make stuff like this:

So yeah.. It's not like Konduz is some sort of hellhole (moreso than anywhere else around here) but I was just a little surprised when I found out I'd be headin' out there. Whatever happens happens, but I was just kinda jazzed about being able to stick around Kabul and help improve this program a little bit.

Ok, so what else? Nothing really. I'll keep you posted if anything of note happens.

More later--

I appear to have been put in my place...

2004-11-24T21:39:00.000-08:00

Or not..

For all my efforts to try not to be an asshole on this blog, it appears that I still managed to piss people off. I guess if a pro-Taliban person stumbled onto this blog it would make sense that they wouldn't like me very much - you can see the comment posted on the post below this one or by clicking here.

I'm gonna do better than that though - I'm going to take the time to respond to the post because it was in many ways a personal attack. I'll attempt to be as objective as possible. I'm taking the time to do this because the post was well written and deserves a response....And so it begins...

Forgive me Sir,
I was just wondering, what type of society you grew up in. It appears to me, perhaps, one that was, without an imminent threat to physical life. (Mainly you and your family) Of course it is quite easy for scholarly men to sit and judge third world predicaments, but it seems to be much more difficult for them to live through these things. I have yet to see this recorded.

Ok, here the writer builds credibility and establishes himself (as in other parts of the post) as someone who has lived in an oppressive regime, when I clearly have not. That's all well and good, but credibility written on toilet paper still ends up in the shitter - I don't know who this guy is, so allow me to be skeptical. I'll continue on this note later.

As you may well know, prior to the Taliban taking office if you will, we had a very complex and chaotic scheme developing here. There were many tribes claiming to own this particular province, and different tribes claiming to be superior to this and that. However, once the Taliban came to power, it gave people a sense of unity, and as you well know, it created order where there once was not. Another important fact, that is not much quoted, is of the Talibans ability to almost demolish the opium production. As everyone knows, thanks to recent news reports, Afghanistan is the worlds largest producer of opium, which subsequently makes it the largest producer of heroin.

[portion omitted for the sake of brevity]

I say thank (who ever) for the Taliban. They came, they saw, they organized. Unfortunately, they were not visionaries, and they did not see the capitalist coming. Of course, Im sure there are many of them now, wishing they might have supported a different procedure, as they find them selves surrounded by infidels and the likes, coming to bring peace (sex, tobacco, alcohol, Americanism) to their country.

Refer to my post entitled Who the fuck is Mussolini?. Your sense of unity came at a huge price. If indeed you did live in Afghanistan when the Taliban rolled in, you celebrated your new found "order" as you turned your head on public executions, beatings, and gang rapes. If you're OK with that, just say so - don't pretend that it's the lesser evil when compared to Coca-Cola and Americana. They were not "visionaries" because they couldn't see past their own sociopathic ways. They didn't want to be visionaries, because to them murdering women and beating up old men was way more convenient to their own sadisitic values.

Afghans smoke like chimneys and always try to get us to pick them up some booze at the various markets that they are not allowed access to. Most of them do not have huge beards. Is this because of American influence? I think not.

We have to ask ourselves, who are these men that believe so much in their religion, they are willing to sacrifice their life. "Oh, them, theyre just fucking terrorist man, fucking Satan." Really? The man who prays five times a day, the man who covers his wife because he understands human nature is as it is, and in order to prevent another man from being distracted with physical lust, sees this as the best method to protecting a belief.

Oh please. You can look at suicide bombers and the like as revolutionaries and people totally devoted to their cause, but there have been plenty of people devoted to their cause who didn't see fit to blow themselves up along with 50 other people. See them for what they are - people who have been manipulated into the tools of other "influential" people (right here on Earth) to carry out their own personal agendas. People who die for their cause and become "martyrs" are few and far between, and in doing so they totally abandon the people left behind, all because they feel like they're making some sort of statement and some clown tells them how wonderfully they'll be remembered. People who blow themselves and children up for whatever cause don't impress me. People who stick around and try to improve things do.

And until you realize that women can contribute more to society than making babies and cleaning the house, your society will always be at a disadvantage.

I must say, who are you, to tell me, or to praise something I disagree with? You live in a world based on post cold war capitalist brain washing. To buy a house, and have a car, and send your kids to college. To grow up in a society that promotes freedom of expression and self righteousness; Democratic, if you will. And why is this best for us? Why should we follow your path? There is no answer my friend. I have been born into a different world. I see America as one big false hood. "Yes we are Believers in His name, and god damn you, we will strike, and we will win, in the name of freedom. Jenny, turn on that T.V., and may god bless us with his wisdom."

Who am I to tell you or to praise something you don't agree with? I'm no one, man. This is a read-at-your-own-risk blog, and I don't remember forcing anyone to read it. In my regime, I don't strap a car battery to someone's genitalia and demand acquiescence to my opinion.

And yes, of course I love my family and my brothers. I would like to see them study or do what they will. What I do not want to see happen to them is that they become materialistic and begin to feel inferior, because they dont have this or that. Please, give me an answer, tell me, oh, well, thats just part of being free. I say No! No its not. We will not become slaves to a capitalist regime. There is another side of life. Discipline and Devotion. Why is that wrong?

I totally agree with you, and discipline and devotion are not outside the scope of what you refer to as "democracy." I just wonder how people can justify beating, raping, and murdering people who haven't met the same "level" of discipline and devotion that they feel they have. Doesn't that seem a little contradictory to you? Is that how you deal with social problems? Murdering people in soccer stadiums? Where is it written that someone should be hospitalized if they take a sip of water during Ramadan? Or smoke a cigarette?

Remember, "freedom of" is also "freedom from." If someone really wants "freedom from" Ramadan to be naughty and take a sip of water, that's for them as an individual to deal with, and whatever family issues might come of it too, I suppose. But I do not feel that it is society's job to murder/beat people for such infractions. Maybe you feel it is, and if so I invite you to go to Kabul right now as a one man punishing team and beat up people smoking cigarettes. See what happens. Or are you not so strong in your convictions? I guess it's easier when you have a tank behind you.

As for being materialistic, I guess internet access and whatnot is not included in that? Materialism = bad, Internet = OK? As long as if suits your needs and fits into your plan?

Sorry, but, I am not your average ignorant peasant. I dont agree with extremism, but what I seem to hate more is righteous prosperity. The Russians were mean man, I'll never say they should have been here, but, what the Americans bring is far more dangerous. Yes, thank you for liberating, but, please sir, understand, not every country is fit for your Democracy.

Indeed you aren't a peasant, and at the beginning you mentioned that you have yet to see a record of scholars living through "third world predicaments," which of course is preposterous. Taking into consideration all that you've stated in your post, if I am to assume that you are not a complete phony, I can only assume that you were, in whatever capacity, someone's lapdog. You are a coward and are fine with sitting back and watching people being raped and murdered, while you enjoy whatever tiny piece of "freedom" that brings you, because you are scared and, like all lapdogs, powerless and constantly have your face buried in your master's lap. But to each his own...

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt though - you're probably just someone playing devil's advocate or at best, you were hiding in Pakistan during the Taliban regime, and there's nothing wrong with that. Far better than being a Taliban lackey, but don't use the suffering of others to base your shakey credibility on. That's low.

And for a reminder on what the Russians "brought," you can check out some of their contributions to Afghan society by reading my blog entitled, "Americans Suck, Bring Back the Ruskies." So again, spare me the dimestore idealism.

I'd like to nip some counter arguments you might have in the bud. While you may site my blog entitled "Talibanistan, aka Sweet Home Talibama," I mentioned a disclaimer at the end of it. While I think the loss of human life is tragic in any instance, I am a realist and realize that it will happen. Is loss of life incurred during a War somehow less acceptable than loss of life incurred during an oppressive regime? Can we qualify the loss of life in such simple terms? These are all questions that we all need to ponder, and I don't think there is a simple answer. Furthermore, I urge everyone to beware of the person who blurts out an answer (any answer) without thinking about it.

Thanks as always for reading.

...An endorsement?

2004-11-24T03:02:00.000-08:00

After I'd been in Afghanistan for a bit, my roommate at the time Joe gave me a book to read called The Kite Runner. You can check out the site for the book by clicking here.

Sometimes you are given a book by someone at a certain point that affects you in ways that you didn't think possible. Sure, this sounds overly dramatic, and maybe it is, but I'd like to take this opportunity to urge each and every person who stumbles upon my blog to go to amazon.com and purchase this book, by clicking here. I've already bought and sent this book to 2 or 3 people, and while I would like to send a copy of it to every person I know on the planet, I don't think I have the resources to do so, so I guess I'll need some help with this one. The 20 bucks or so you'll spend on this book will be more than worth your time. (Hmm, that kinda sounded Sally Struthers-ish didn't it??)

Aside from the fact that it is an incredible novel, the author seems like a really good guy, which is more important to me than anything. If I thought he was a jerk, I wouldn't be giving him my seal of approval (for what it's worth). He actually replied to an email that I sent him, which goes a long way in my book.

In any case, the book is awesome and it will give you an idea, should you care, of a lot of what I see on a day-to-day basis while I'm in Kabul. Obviously I'm biased because I live and work there, but I think that everyone should read this book so they can understand what the human face of Afghanistan looks like. Books like this must be written and read by everyone, lest we forget the price we pay by "turning a blind eye"... I guess it'll make more sense on a few different levels when you've read the book.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and again, I urge you to check this book out. It is one of those books that will stay with you forever.

N-bomb Beatdowns, aka "Words that Hurt" like a mofo

2004-11-14T05:23:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I think I've experienced a few cool things on my 28 years on the planet. I've seen a space shuttle launch, I've flown business class a few times, parachuted and whatnot. And while these things are all quite exciting, there are few things that I can see that can make me jump up and down and clap my hands with glee. Allow me to write about something I saw the other night that made me just do that - the second time I've witnessed it - both times were in Japan.

Getting in touch with your Inner Klansman

I never really met someone's inner klansman until I joined the Marines. I mean, maybe I did, but they weren't typically people that I worked with or interacted with or, in some cases, respected as people. I don't think that being in the military really correlates with a high amount of racists - maybe the typical person who joins the Marines is just a little more outspoken / doesn't really give a shit if someone thinks they're a bigot. In any case, alcohol + rap videos will definitely bring out someone's inner klansman, regardless of their socio-economic class/education level. I'm not saying everyone has an inner klansman, cuz I certainly don't, but you'd be surprised at what people will utter while intoxicated.

Droppin' N-Bombs

We used to refer to it as "dropping an N bomb" when someone would say the N word. That's right, the N word. If you still don't know what I'm talking about after reading the above paragraph, you're probably a little thick, but I'm not gonna spell it out for you. We call it "dropping an N bomb" for obvious reasons, i,e. what tends to happen after such a word is spoken.

N-bomb beatdowns - a personal history

Here's where I get to the meat and potatoes of this posting. An N-bomb beat down is what follows when someone carelessly starts dropping N-bombs. The first time I witnessed an N-bomb beatdown was when I was in Okinawa. I was drinking with my team leader, Daryl, who for some reason is a giant douchebag magnet. When he goes to a bar, the biggest douchebag within a mile radius comes up and wants to be pals. It's kinda weird cuz Daryl, while sometimes a douchebag, especially when drunk, isn't an idiot. Anyway, so the biggest douchebag in Kinville comes up to Daryl and starts takling to him. We were in a bar called Bounds, which was rap/hip-hop, and as a result tended to attract the clientelle associated with that kind of music, i,e. a lot of black guys. I enjoyed the bar because I was friends with the owner, the bartenders, and there was a fight there every single night. Without fail. So anyway, megadouchebag-guy is talking to Daryl and I'm only kinda half paying attention, and I start noticing that the guy is droppin a lot of N-bombs. Like A LOT. So I turned around to make it clear that I had nothing to do with the guy. Daryl was putting up with it for some reason - maybe he just didn't wanna be rude. So a friend of ours named Jackson comes up and asks Daryl, "Hey, are you with this guy?" and Daryl says, "No, why?" and Jackson says "Cuz he's about to get beat down.." So douchebagman goes outside for some reason, and like 10 black guys follow him out. Before he could explain himself he was unconscious in the middle of the street, and the group that did the damage came back in and returned to drinking.

So that was the first time I saw it. The second time was the other night. This one was actually a lot more funny because I don't think the guy was really a raging racist like the dude in Okinawa. This guy was looking for a reaction, and he got waaaay more than he bargained for. So I was drinking at Pure, which is an all you can drink place that I used to go to a lot when I lived in Tokyostan. I noticed this fat dude earlier in the night, and also noticed that he was REALLY shitfaced. So later I'm standing at the bar and the bouncers are trying to get him to leave, and he won't. The bouncers impressed me all night long with their patience for this guy - they really put up with a lot of shit from him. Anyway, they finally get him out, and about 30 minutes later I decide that it's time to enjoy my favorite Japanese cuisine - convenience store sandwiches. So I cruise outside and the fat guy is causing trouble outside. I walk past, get my sandwiches, and stand there watching the action unfold. Apparently this guy got kicked out cuz he was grabbin on girls. Pure doesnt put up with that, because if girls are afraid to come there, then guys won't come either (duh). They kinda have a lot on their plate because since its all you can drink, a lot of foreigners come there and get horribly shitfaced, so it's a deliate balance. Anyway, there's a camera outside the bar that plays a live image to the police station just down the street, so the bouncers were being VERY careful, just trying to usher this guy away. The guy didn't want to leave, and kept screaming for them to "produce a witness." Yeah, this guy was British. So he and the manager scuffle a little bit, but the manager refrains from kicking teh bejesus out of this guy. Again, I was struck by how patient the bouncers were because they could have, by all rights, broken this guys arms loong before. So finally he's had enough, so he makes his closing statement, which was something like "I'll take you and you and you on any day!" and then he said something about a "nigger sandwich." I don't quite know what this is, though I could probably speculate, and don't quite know why he said it, but what happened after that was VERY fast. The bouncers were taking a VERY non-aggressive posture with this guy from the get go, but as soon as he said that, just as someone said "Oh, you done fucked up now," a white bouncer and a black bouncer sprinted at him, pushed him into a recessed area, and beat the absolute dogshit out of this guy. It was easily the quickest I've seen people go from really passive to super agressive and violent. At this point I was eating kimchi out of a plastic box and giggled to myself like a little kid. Mr N-bomb Sandwich laid on the ground for quite a while before he got up, and that reaction seemed acceptable enough because by the time he managed to get up and walk away he did it without so much as a backward glance.

I like it when people say "it's just a word, they use it so I can use it." Well, I wish I had a video camera with me. Something told me he was going to resort to it, because he REALLY wanted a reaction from these guys, which is why I stuck around. Anyone who doesn't think that "words can hurt" should witness an N-bomb beatdown, or better yet, be on the business end of one, to see just how bad they can hurt, and may sometimes result in a person laying in a puddle of their own piss and shit in an alley in Shibuya... :)

So yeah, the Adventures continue, even if they're in a different context. I'm gonna go to Osaka tomorrow so maybe I'll have more adventures to report on from there. Take care--

Live from Tokyostan.....................

2004-11-09T01:01:00.000-08:00

Well, the reason I haven't really written anything is because right now I'm in Japanistan... I came here about 5 days ago, and it's been very nice.

A lot of people ask me "Why Japan?" Well, I'm sure people have their own theories, but I think that what it comes down to is that fact that most of the best memories I've ever had in my (short) adult life have been here. Japan was the first place I was really away from my parents during my year abroad here. Sure, I didn't live at home during college but my parents lived in the same town so I'd usually go home on the weekends and do laundry and whatnot. The time I spent here when I was in Okinawastan was also incredible - to be able to see that side of Japanese (if you wanna call it Japanese - I'm sure some people would take offense to that) culture after living on mainland was eye opening and, well, just awesome. And then when I got out of the Marines, living in Tokyo was wicked. So I think I've "existed" in this country on more levels than most people can say - I've studied here as an exchange student, I was stationed here in the Marines, I lived/worked here (however briefly) in the local economy, and now I'm just ch-ch-ch-chillin here for a short while.... Now if I can score a job as a Civilian contractor on a base here using Japanese, that would be the shiz-nit. Like a culmination of everything. :)

Another obvious reason is that it's so horribly safe here. I'm confident that I can walk pretty much anywhere at any time and not worry about getting rolled by a gang or something. I stayed the first few nights in Kabukicho, which is supposedly teaming with Chinese gangs and Yakuza. But they leave you alone if you're not doing anything (for the most part), so it isn't really a big deal. I used to go running when I lived here last year at like 1am and 2am usually, and I was surprised at how many women I'd see in the middle of nowhere walking by themselves. Not a care in the world. It's kind've funny because they're more paranoid in the really crowded areas like Shibuya and Shinjuku because they're always getting harrassed by guys asking them to work at massage parlors or snacks or sell them their underwear or whatever, but walking alone in rather desolate places at 2am is A-OK.

So what have I been up to? As you can probably guess, I hit the ground running... The first night I got here I met up with Ryan (aka NewyorkerinTokyo) and we went to Roppongi. It was kinda like an obligatory thing - I mean, if you haven't been out drinking to a party spot in like 7 months, you gotta make it Roppongi. By the end of the night I was so completely shitfaced that I didn't really know where I was. Ryan kept asking me if I was OK cuz I wasn't saying anything, but when I'm that drunk the little voice inside my head reminds me that, at that point, it's probably better not to say anything at all. In any language. Cuz it just doesn't work. I still managed to spank him and his girlfriend at darts. I think. I can't remember. I do remember the little voice in my head (I bring up the little voice - it's that voice that, for some reason, no matter how drunk you are, is still completely clear and competent, even if the rest of your brain totally ignores it. Does everyone have it? I dunno..) Anyway, I remember the voice in my head expressing surprise and glee at how well I was doing. Especially the first game, when we were playing cricket and I had yet to fill the bullseye and Ryan's girlfriend thought shed distract me by grabbing me when I threw the dart. Bullseye baby, right in the center. Nice try, your feminine wiles are useless!!!!!!!! I think it was the "lowest score wins" version of cricket, so maybe I lost.. I dunno. We all know who the true winner was, though. That's right, Ryan's girlfriend. The first girl to have the privledge of touching me since I've come back. hehe

Another thing I've been doing a lot of is walking around. Just strolling. That's something else I really associate with Japan, because I like to walk around and explore shit. I did it all the time when I was a student, partially because I hated going back to my host family's house and partially cuz I simply enjoy hoofin it from place to place. I guess I didn't stroll around too much when I was in Okinawa, as a certain friend of mine will certainly attest to. I don't know what the deal was - probably because he would get up too early to walk somewhere and I was too hung over.

So that's what I've been up to. Drinking in crowded bars (only the first 2 days really, but the weekend is coming up!) and walking around. Meeting friends, hanging out, and enjoying the things that we all so very much take for granted. Being around people in a crowded bar or area, especially in Japan, actually makes me happy. Here is a country where a majority of the people aren't really worried about anything too much except making sure they make their train or feed their dog. When there's a loud noise people don't crouch. They generally don't like President Bush because they're "anti-war" here, but the war is very very far off and few people are really touched by it. Most people probably couldn't find Iraq or Afghanistan on a map. A lot of people refer to the Japanese people as "heiwa-boke," which I may have mentioned before, means something like "peace dumb" or, uuh, maybe something like "dumbed by peace." A lot of people criticize this place for being so out of touch with the violence and chaos that lies just an 11 hour or so plane ride from here, but I don't think that's such a bad thing. I only wish that they were a little more aware of the amount of death, violence, and sacrifice that was made to create this society where having to wait for the next train seems like a really big deal...

More later. I'm gonna go eat some food.

...On Personal Responsibility...

2004-10-29T04:41:00.000-07:00

Today I crashed into a building with a truck.

This is the second time I've done this.

I've also hit a biker with my side view mirrors on two different occasions. I felt horrible, but they stayed on their bikes and continued -a- peddling.

Ok, so today we couldn't find the keys to one of our land cruisers, so I spent the greater part of the morning sitting in my room staring at the wall completely enraged and telling anyone who'd listen how pissed off I was. So we got permission to use one of the trucks here on the compound, and they "kindly" let us use an F350. An F350 is an enormous truck. I hate driving it. Also, right outside the gate, there's this huge moat they're building. It's like a 40 foot drop. So it's kinda tight getting out of the gate with this ginormous truck and a ginormous moat and mounds of dirt next to it. So yeah, I scraped the side of the truck and one of the guys here had a coniption fit. My boss came into the dining place and asked "who wrecked the truck," and I was like "huh??" Since people like to embellish, I realized what he meant, and I was like "oh yeah I scraped the side." So I hopped into the vehicle office or whatever and was like "I did it!" cuz I don't really give a shit. I got a little speech about how horrible it was, and the whole time I was thinking, "Uuh sure, people destroy vehicles here all the time and no one cares, but all of a sudden it matters."

So what's my point? My point is, I did it. I take responsibility. This doesn't seem like a huge deal, but I've been noticing that taking responsibility for ones own actions is in cheap supply these days. It seems like a pretty popular thing to blame the USA, more specifically, George Dubya Bush. I'm gonna go to Japanistan soon, and like I said before I'm sure I'm gonna hear a lot of people's opinions about geopolitics. It's kinda hard to listen to people state their opinions, because generally they're uninformed. I remember a few years ago when, if you said something that you heard on the news, someone might say "YOU SHOULDN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HEAR ON THE NEWS!" Nowadays, all I hear are opinions spewed verbatim from what people hear from the news. People generally have no idea of a larger context. Listening to CNN and talking shit is much easier than actually trying to get a broader, better informed overall picture and do one's own analysis. Accusing me of being a "brainwashed fascist" is also easier than considering what I have to say as well.

I also wish people had to be accountable/held responsible for what they say. I remember after US Troops went through Baghdad and "hostilities ceased," Ben Afleck went public saying that "now that it's over, we should pull all our troops out." Ben Afleck has a lot of influence by virtue of the fact that society has deemed him an icon. However, when he makes statements like this, he has no responsibility or obligation to follow through with his ideas. Nothing happens like "Ok Ben, we're pullin' out the troops, and if anything bad happens, it's all your fault and you'll be held accountable for it. Furthermore, you'll be punished severely if it doesn't all go down hunky-dory like." Actors are famous for reasons other than their intellect. Let's not forget that. My best friend Brandon and I used to talk about accountability of ones spoken opinion. I don't pray and I don't believe in any God, but my thoughts are always with him and I can't wait to see him again.

As you may have heard, a Japanese man recently got kidnapped by some militants. A British woman living in Iraq for many years also got kidnapped. I don't think these people deserved to get kidnapped, anymore than someone who takes a stroll in the hood at 3am deserves to get mugged. However, I can't help but wonder what these people are thinking. Yesterday, 3 women working for the UN also got kidnapped here. People who are getting kidnapped generally travel with no security - they are completely oblivious to any danger that might be present. They don't think it will happen to them. How can people be so careless with their lives? Why would someone take a bus from Jordan to Iraq? Why would someone want to be a tourist in Iraq?!?! As people sit in their homes watching Satellite Cable TV and browsing the web, they don't seem to realize that there are people out there who will not hesitate to use them in an attempt to undermine national policy. That means you, the reader. Yes, even though you are nice/kind/good looking/generous/ambitious/have a bright future/etc, there are people in this world who would not think twice to behead you/your mom/dad/sister/brother/doggie on the internet just because. Is this the fault of George Bush? Is it the fault of US foreign policy? Get real. US foreign policy is nothing more than a convenient excuse for these sick fuckers to publicize their political agenda in their own little sociopathic ways. Not everyone has the same concept of respect for human life that most of us have. If you think that these people won't exploit that concept, you are a fool and you stand the chance of being victimized. Take Somalia for example - militiamen used women and children as spotters for their gunman. They would also place children in between themselves and US troops because they knew that US troops would hesitate to kill children. In Iraq, it was made public that the US wouldn't go after Mosques. What happened? Duh... After seeing this enough times and realizing the risks, American troops will not hesitate to start mowin mofos down and calling for fire on Mosques. If you think this makes them evil people, I suggest you enlist in the Army or Marines, join the infantry, and walk a mile in their shoes.

I'm not trying to scare anyone, I'm just trying to be as realistic as possible. Taking the Moral Highground is wonderful and all, but let's not forget that people will exploit the bejesus out of it. Before making statements like "Well I'm just against the Military" or "Bush is a terrorist," I'd like to challenge people to do something other than spew CNN headlines and cheap pamphlet rhetoric and research that which they seem to be so against and outspoken against. I've found that the most outspoken people are often times the most ill informed, and I wonder how they can be so quick to put themselves in a position to look so utterly stupid. It probably stems from a lack of exposure to people who have differing opinions - everyone they interact with shares the same opinions as they do, so no one has ever really pulled their punk card. While my opinions on here may seem somewhat one sided, I am confident in my opinions and feel that I have a good grasp on both sides of many of the issues. If I don't, then I'm a bit more hesitant to say anything. But like I've said before, this is my blog and I reserve the right to rant and rave until my heart's content. :)

Thanks for reading--

Burqa Clad Mercenaries Implicated in Sex Slave Ring

2004-10-21T17:30:00.000-07:00

I read a good article today on my beloved Sabawoon Online about the only female detective in Kandahar. This Burqa Clad Bombshell fights crime incogneto, and gained fame when she killed 3 "would be assassins" in a shootout.

This is pretty impressive stuff. It might not seem like a huge deal to people in the USA, who always see female detectives and hot ass actresses playing highly skilled asskicking operatives on TV every night, but here this is like major progress. Talk about blending in - she's like the ultimate undercover agent.

I've been reading a lot of articles about the privatization of "troops," i,e. "mercenaries." In an article entitled "Support Our Mercenaries," the author delivers a scathing report on all the horrible things that these "mercenaries" do. I'm actually surprised that more people haven't jumped on this bandwagon, and I'm waiting for for people to create a scenario that says that soon, private companies will be dispatching armies and gaining control of stuff and generally tearing shit up. Allow me to dispell this myth before it is started.

"Private Companies" are not enormous vacuums of indepently controlled cash. They're not militias run by powerful, brutal warlords (like me). They have to get paid from somewhere, which is from the US government in some form or another. The employees of these companies also require pay/food/shelter, so if the gravy train from the US Government stops, these companies will cease to be able to function.

A huge salary is nice, but if workers of these companies think that they are being put into harm's way unnecessarily, they simply quit. I've seen this happen many times. The "employees" are [generally] former military and, in my opinion, often times more professional and experienced than your run of the mill US Military soldier, and they won't put up with it.

Being a private company, their reputation is always at stake. These companies will do anything to avoid public scrutiny of any type, and try to remain low-key and out of the media. It doesn't look good to have a bunch of your people get ambushed, or for people in the company to be implicted in any crimes. As a private company, they typically have a "Zero Tolerance" policy towards any sort of "unacceptable" behavior, and will not hesistate to put someone on a plane the next day, which I've also seen happen a few times. They don't play around - even if you are pretty much in the "right" in a questionable incident, they reserve the right to terminate you for pretty much anything they see fit. For instance, if some guy runs up with an RPG and I whack him, I'm still going home. It's just policy.

To improve quality control, large contractors will often employ smaller, more specialized sub contracting companies to come out and check out how things are going. This provides the "higher ups" who aren't on the ground with a non-biased assessment of situations, so they can get a better idea of how things are going without being worried about people sweeping things under the carpet.

I'm not saying that certain things are "acceptable under the circumstances," but we must be realistic when assessing certain bad situations. Anytime coercive force or action is used in military actions, people will get hurt. However, it is not the policy of the companies or the US Military to support torture, maiming, etc of the local populace. People who aren't in the military or working for contracting companies do stuff like that all the time, but they're blamed generally on an individual basis and not for who they're affiliated with. Why should US Military personnel or contractors be any different? (By the way, the whole "I was just following orders" thing is bullshit.) I've always found it interesting how quick people are to attribute barbaric behavior to the fact that someone was former military. For instance, if I, as a private citizen, decided to butcher someone back in the USA, I can GUARANTEE you that the newspaper headline would be something like FORMER MARINE MURDERS SAINTLY OLD GRANDMOTHER. People are more than happy to judge actions of people based on prior military service, but quick to discard any other affiliation, especially race, religion, creed, sexual orientation, etc, because for some reason society has deemed it OK.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'd like people to be cautious with their judgements. Like I said, it's become socially acceptable to mutter comments about someone's military training contributing to some vicious behavior, but god forbid you should mutter anything about someone being gay/muslim/christian/black/ etc to simplify another action. Obviously, being in the military does get you trained up on some "barbarous behavior," but the US Military does not train sociopaths. We're not Cossacks. As someone who grew up as a military brat, I take for granted the fact that I'm not completely ignorant on military matters. However, I've found most often that the most outspoken people against the military are the people who know the least about it, and for some reason that too has become A-OK.

Just to clarify: I am saying that it is NOT OK to judge individual actions based on a larger group affiliation. I'm sure there are people mis-reading this and thinking that I'm lamenting the fact that maybe I can't call someone a "fag" because they buggered a boy. If you think that, you are stupid and I ask that you never read my blog again. All I'm asking is that people take greater care when assessing the root of actions, and not to be such simpletons and take the easier road, attributing it to some sort of sociopathic brainwashing that takes place during military bootcamp. This is no different than dismissing an action someone does because they're gay/black/a muslim, so have a care and squash that shit if you hear it. Contracting companies and the US Military do not support torture/sex slave rings as doctrine, but I guess for most people, assuming that they do is a lot easier than actually educating one's self. God forbid they should have to trade in their preconceived notions with things they wish weren't so.

More later--

Happy Birthday Dear Warlord, Happy Birthday to me!!!

2004-10-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

Yeah, if you didn't know already, today is my birfday. The big 2-8. This is the 3rd birthday in a row I've spent out of the US of A - last year being in Tokyo, the year before that was in Seoul. I had a little birthday party last night with 3 of my South African friends/co-workers. We made the rare trip out to a Chinese restaurant just down the street. As soon as I walked in, I knew I was in familiar surroundings. Seedy Chinese-esque bars with low, red sofas and barebones tables and chairs are like a second home. Everytime I go to a place like that with just a couple of my friends, we always end up having an awesome time and being welcomed back as "regulars" if we ever make it back. (You just have to be careful who you bring, or things could go bad of course. :) ) In any case, I didn't think that I'd be spending my 28th birthday celebration in a Chinese restaurant in Kabul with three white South Africans. That's gonna be a tough one to top, but I'll try my best.

As for what I did today, well, pretty much same-ole-same-ole. I had an icecream bar for dinner, which was yummy. And I took a day off from the gym as a little birthday present. The highlight of tonight was probably taking Warlord Shots. A Warlord Shot has nothing to do with alcohol (though it should, so please think of a good shot). A Warlord shot is kinda like an Afghanistan Glamour Shot. Remember Glamour Shots? It was that place in the mall that would airbrush up your picture to look all glamorous. I remember joking with my sister about people getting their senior yearbook pictures taken there, and people actually did. They were usually the ugly girls who didn't want to be remembered as sewer beasts. (Sorry if any of you guys got them done there, but come on..) Anyway, my roommate Sam was wearing a Pakol, which is a common hat here in Afghanistan, and took a picture of himself that kind've looked Warlordish. So we took our Warlord shots and I think they turned out pretty well. I'm thinking about puting it up as the main picture on this page 'cuz I think it's funny, and by the time you read this it might just be up there. Anyway, I took it a step further and made a little wanted poster featuring Sam and Paul's Warlord shots. I recommend you right click it, save it, print it out, and put it on your wall. Here it is:

That kicks ass, doesn't it? I mean, I almost look like I could possibly run shit. Sam looks like my right hand man, you know, the guy you keep around 'cuz you go way back. He sits around and eats your food and criticizes how you do stuff, but never really contributes to the warlordery. And warlording isn't easy, believe me. Taxing roads you don't own, coercing people to vote for you, dodging human rights commissions. It's a rough life.

Other than my birthday and warlord shots, nothing really to report on. Things around here are quiet, which is good and a little un-nerving at the same time. It's almost like they're saving up for something really big. The last time they did something big was bad, and I hope nothing like that ever happens again. More later--

Talibanistan, aka Sweet Home Talibama

2004-10-11T10:10:00.001-07:00

Surprisingly and fortunately, I don't have a whole lot of post-election madness to report. I shouldn't say "election" though, because no one has been "elected" yet. This is one of the harsh realities of having donkey based logistics. Ballot boxes being transported on donkeyback take time to get places, and they're counting all the votes by hand, so that each individual one counts. Now isn't that somethin'? I bet if the USA did that, more people would vote. But I'd better cease such simplistic and treasonous talk.

Ok, before I get off track, as far as election associated violence goes, the voting went off without a hitch. They had the little ink scandal, where ink was easily washed off, and all the other candidates said they'd refuse to recognize the winner. However, they eventually came around and said they would indeed support the winner and that everything was a-ok. Make up your minds, fellas! There was a rocket or two fired into town, but no one was hurt, and even though Timmy Taliban was talkin big like he was gonna rip shit up, nothing came of it. Don't get me wrong - the threat was by no means empty - A LOT of explosives and what not were intercepted before they could be put to use because cops were "tipped off."

I'm not a conspiracy theorist, and I think that extreme (for lack of better term) conspiracy theorists are idiots. Having opinions based on misinformation is one thing, but basing opinions off of suspicion, superstition, and internet chain mails is simply unacceptable. Another reason I think they're lame is because being a conspiracy theorist is pretty much a win-win situation. They can "theorize" something after smoking a fat blunt, and if it isn't true, no one calls them on it and tells them they're a retard, but if it is true, my how smart they look. In any case, I'm a little suspicious of these "tip offs." When Donny Rumsfeld came to Kabul, no one knew he was coming. However, the police in Kabul announced with great pride that they found 2 IEDs in Massoud Circle!!! Good on ya, boys! Look at how advanced the Afghan intelligence network is!! Maybe I'm a skeptic, but a lot of the police around here are real dirtbags, and I wouldn't put it past them to stage the discovery of IEDs and stuff like that so they can look good.

But what do I care? No one got hurt, the police and the international community can high-5 each other, and everyone's happy. No voting spots or diplomats got blown to smithereens. So everyone's a winner.

I'm not gonna say that the Taliban are "good guys" by any means, but the fact that they appear to be avoiding blowing up civilians sets my mind at ease a little bit. In Iraq, car bombers drive up to a really crowded area filled with regular Iraqis chillin, and kill like 50 people. (And that's somehow the US's fault..) The fact that they don't do that here on a daily basis does make me (and my family, I'm sure) feel a little better (knock on wood). So I've come up with a little reward/appeasement plan. It's a secret though, don't tell the Taliban about this. I propose that we create a free Talibanistan, where the Taliban can do whatever they want. Kinda like how we made Israel. Only this would be on a much smaller scale, and we wouldn't give them the most kick ass airforce ever and lots of weapons and stuff. Here's the cool part, and how it would kinda resemble Israel. Talibanistan would be located in the middle of Alabama, in an area designated as "Talibama," and would be fenced off or separated with a huge moat full of holy water and fresh water crocodiles or something. This plan is a secret because they won't actually know where it's gonna be prior to leaving, but they'll be reassured that they'll get all the holy warring they want where they're going. This would accomplish a few things:

Provide Hilljacks with a fresh new minority to oppress, and who better than the Taliban?? I mean, they could rock out to Toby Keith during their hunts! It's perfect - Amnesty International might turn a blind eye to this plan.

The Taliban can bugger each other and make horribly offensive statements based on religion and still kind've "fit in" with the local populace, who regularly do the same thing..

Since the Taliban hate women, there won't be any down there, so if the hilljacks don't wipe them out, crocodiles / piranhas / sharks or old age will eventually

We might lose some hilljacks in the process

Ok.. Yeah, this is a joke. While some people say stuff like this in all seriousness, I'm freaking joking, people. Believe it or not, some people have read a little too much into a couple of my blogs. For example, one person took the Blog immediately below this to mean "All Arabs (and Muslims) are terrorists," which is not what I was trying to convey. If I wanted to say that all Arabs and Muslims were terrorists, I would. But they're not, so I won't. Basically I came up with "Talibanistan" and "Talibama" while I was sick in bed and couldn't sleep, and I felt that I needed to include them in my blog 'cuz they were so "clev." (That's how "clev" people say "clever.")

Ok, well, I'm not as freaking clever as I thought. I'm actually really pissed off as I write this. I google'd "Talibanistan" and "Talibama" and apparently a lot of other people beat me to the punch. You can google it yourself. Shit. I'm so less creative in my own eyes. I think I needed something like that to take me down a few notches. I've been a little high and mighty lately. Aah well. The picture of the deliverance dude was kinda "clev," right???

If you feel that you (unlike me, apparently) are "clev," I invite you to come up with some lyrics to Sweet Home Talibama. Don't bother posting them if they're not uproariously funny, though. I won't be posting any cuz I don't feel I can do the song any justice. If you come up with some good lyrics, I'll talk to my Tokyo Lawyers and see about arranging permission to belt it out at karaoke. Oh wait, I don't have any legal recourse, cuz I didn't make it up. So do ur thing.

Ok, so what else is new out here... Looks like I'm gonna get a new roommate. That's right, Kabul Joe is switching compounds, and I'm kinda bummed out about it. He's the yin of my yang. The Feng of my Shui. Replacing him will be my long time friend "Jungle Sam," who has since become "AfghaniSam" because there are no jungles here and he's in Afghanistan. And I came up with "Afghanisam" before anyone else did, particularly one specific Carnie. Oh yeah, Afghanisam is a complete whackjob. Here's a sample of what today might have looked like:

Not sure what mate is? Click here. Sam drinks it. A lot.

Ok, that's all for now. I'll keep the election coverage coming as I hear it, which will probably be some time after you hear it, but because I'm here I'm somehow more "credible." ;) Thanks for reading.

Afghans are not Arabs. Afghans are not Arabs. Afghans are not Arabs.

2004-10-08T01:42:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to write this for a while I think. Maybe in an attempt to clarify some things, and maybe in an attempt to correct people who like making disparaging remarks about people who live in Afghanistan by referring to them as "dirty Arabs." But then again, a post like this probably wouldn't mean a lot to the type of person who would refer to anyone as a "dirty Arab," so maybe I'm wasting my time.

Ok, so let's get started. What's an Arab? Allow me to quote my favorite website, Merriam-Webster.com. This is my favorite site cuz I have a vocabulary rivaled by many Amazonian Parrots.

Main Entry: Ar·ab
Pronunciation: 'ar-&b, 'er-; dial also 'A-"rab
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin Arabus, Arabs, from Greek Arab-, Araps
1 a : a member of the Semitic people of the Arabian peninsula b : a member of an Arabic-speaking people

Ok, so where's this crazy Arabian peninsula anyway? Here's a map:
peninsula

Now, as you can see by the map, Afghanistan is suspiciously absent. So where is Afghanistan? If you'll look in the upper right portion of the map underneath the little miles table, you'll see Iran. Afghanistan is to the east of that. (Iran is also not an Arab country, but maybe if I work there I'll make a post called "Iranimania" and post a similar blog).

Ok, so half the theory is debunked.

Next question: Do they speak Arabic in Afghanistan?
Answer: No.
Follow up question: Yeah but whenever I'm trying to enjoy a movie, some dude is screaming in Arabic over a loud speaker in the Mosque.
Answer: Dur.

Most Afghans do not speak Arabic any more than a person who grew up Catholic speaks Latin. They do, however, speak languages like Dari, Poshto, Uzbek, and some others. Arabic is once again, suspiciously absent.

OK, so my point? Just because you're Muslim and live in the middle east doesn't make you an Arab. Why am I saying this? Because I've found that a lot of people don't know the difference, and assume that Afghans are Arabs because both are associated with Islam and Terrorism. Is that offensive? If you can think of a better reason other than "being uninformed," let me know.

OK, so what's new here? Nothing really. We're on "lock down" until the first Afghanistan [free] Elections are done, which is supposed to take place tomorrow. Other than a few incidents of mischief (trying to blow up Karzai's running mate), things have actually been a lot more quiet than I would expect. I guess they have a little more than 24 hours to really start wrecking shit. So expect some post-election coverage right here. I'm curious to see what it's like to all of a sudden live in a Democratic nation. Maybe the sky will look different? The air cleaner? Public Sanitation improved? I doubt it. I bet people in the USA will be disappointed if Kerry gets elected and they're all of a sudden not better paid/happier/don't hate their jobs/thinner and that all over the world, terrorists will stop being jerks.

More later--

Is that guy wearing a fuzzy pencil case?

2004-10-03T01:02:00.000-07:00

Hamid Karzai

No, he's not wearing a fuzzy pencil case on his head. That's Hamid Karzai's signature hat, not uncommon to see when you're cruising around Kabul. While usually only worn by old men, yesterday when I was at the Ministry of Interior I saw an androgynous midget walking around with one on. I'm not joking. (I have one, and if you want one I can pick one up for you. A hat I mean. Not an androgynous midget.)

Ok, so why am I even talking about this in the first place? That's right, folks, Afghanistan is having its first "free" elections on October 9th. Since I've been out here, a lot of people stateside have asked me how I think the elections are going to turn out, and I'll say something like "I think Karzai will win, but all I care about is that I don't get blown up." This is usually met with a response similar to "..." because they were referring to the US Election. I suppose both have a serious impact on my current life, because if Kerry gets elected, who knows if I will be able to continue a job like this making a ridiculous salary and being on "the edge of history." Sounds cool, doesn't it? The Edge of History. It would be way cooler if the "edge of history" weren't so unstable and unsanitary. And way cooler if I had coined the phrase, which I didn't. Robert Kaplan said it in his book, and as usual I'm hero worshipping. Aah well.

Either way, I can't blame people for the "..." response, or responses like "Who the christ is Karzai and why does he have a pencil bag on his head??" I'm not gonna be all high and mighty and act like an asshole when people don't know anything about Afghan politics, because it doesn't affect their [immediate] lives back stateside. I remember when I was studying in Japan back in college, and I would innocently ask a question like "...So do you guys have a President or a Prime Minister?" to one of the Swedish students. This would get me an exasperated look, followed by a statement like, "I know all about YOUR government, why don't you know about mine?" So I'd sit there and shrug apologetically, while thinking to myself, "Maybe because I'm not a goddamn cod fisherman living in the tundra, you freakish Scando. Nice parachute pants, by the way." I also like it when people are trying to look cool and worldly and say stuff like "YOU DON'T KNOW THE CAPITOL OF TAJIKISTAN? IT'S DUSHANBE YOU HAYSEED!" That's lame, but it's a reality when dealing with sophomoric, 22 year old "backpackers" who think that going to a country and eating a bunch of ecstasy makes them somehow more enlightened.

Ok, lemme get refocused here. Aah yes, the elections. I'm not gonna sit here and pretend to be some sort of authority on Afghan politics, because I'm not. I've just gotten pretty interested in this place because I live here and the outcome of things affects me directly.

So like I said, Afghanistan is having its first "free" elections, and it's somewhat complicated. One of my favorite (though somewhat not-too-pro-American) websites, Sabawoon Online, has a lot of good articles about the election. You can also see a complete list of candidates here. I like that page, because it has pictures of each of the candidates, as well as a little blurb about their ethnic affiliation and what kind of platform they run on.

After reading most of the articles about the upcoming elections, I've noticed a few issues that Afghans (or at least the authors of the articles on the site) have. Here's a few (but not all) of them:

Are ex/not so ex Warlords good candidates?

What is a "free" election? Are these elections really all that "free"?

Is Karzai a US puppet? What / where do interests lie?

I'm gonna go ahead and break these down individually, and speak on them based on my opinion because this is my blog and I'm allowed to. If at any time you feel oppressed, please close the window.

Are ex/not so ex Warlords good candidates?

History tells us that former military commanders do not necessarily make good leaders of countries. Why is this? Now, when I say "military commander," I'm not talking about some dude who was in charge of a support battalion for most of his career. I'm talking about the guys who have "been there and done that," commanded troops on the field in violent action, and taken part along with them. They are charismatic men with a presence on and off the battlefield, who inspired people to fight for them and often times die for them. While people gladly rally behind these people, sing them praises and would love to see them as a President, that doesn't necessarily mean that the skills that allowed them to rise to power as a fighting man are applicable when it comes to running a nation. To a military commander, the ends justify the means - any means that were taken to accomplish whatever mission they had to do. They are, for lack of better terms, "results oriented" or "results driven." For a sensitive position like the President of a nation, this is not necessarily the best method. Couple this with the fact that some of the candidates running for President here have been accused of crimes against humanity. The idea of having a former "warlord" who may have massacred Taliban prisoners becoming the head of a nation is, to some, a bit scary, especially under international scrutiny.

What is a "free" election? Are these elections really all that "free"?

Some of the candidates have been coming under fire because they are being said to coerce people into registering (and supporting them) by beating them. If I were a farmer and I lived in a virtual fiefdom under Candidate X, and not being outwardly supportive of him and his party meant getting the shit knocked out of me by the buttstock of an AK47, the elections might not seem all that "free". According to the article titled Afghanistan's Presidential Election: a Mockery of Democracy on Sabawoon Online by Peter Symonds, Karzai supporters have also been up to similar things:

A particularly graphic example of the methods used to coerce voters was highlighted last week. A gathering of 300 clan leaders from the Terezai tribe in Paktia province decided to throw their support behind Karzai and broadcast a radio announcement declaring: "All Terezai tribespeople should vote for Hamid Karzai... if any Terezai people vote for other candidates, the tribe will burn their houses." Karzai welcomed their support and extended an invitation to the tribal leaders to visit Kabul, brushing aside criticism of the radio broadcast, saying such warnings were just a tradition and not meant as a serious threat.

No matter what Karzai may say about the threat being "just a tradition" and "not serious," tell that to a tribesperson who's used to existing in a corrupt government. The idea of a vote being "confidential" might not mean a whole lot.

Is Karzai a US puppet? What / where do interests lie?

Is Karzai a US puppet? Yeah, I think so. Is that good? I guess it depends on who you talk to. For the USA / stability in the region / strategic interests, of course it's a good idea. For international image, I'm not sure that they could have picked a better person. Highly educated, he speaks Poshtu, Dari, Urdu, English, and French. He is a Poshtun, the largest ethnic group of Afghanistan, and comes from the Populzai clan, which has been cheerfully giving Afghanistan its Kings since 1747. Not only that, he is one helluva snappy dresser, making it into Esquire Magazine's Top 100 Best Dressed Men in the World. His running mate is Ahmad Zia Masoud, the brother of the famed Ahmad Shah Masoud, the Lion of the Panjsher, whose guerilla tactics are taught at US Military academies today, and who achieved Martyrdom when he was assassinated just before the September 11th attacks. I also heard a few months ago that Karzai was married to an American woman, but the people telling me that were a bunch of rednecks so I dismissed it as being one of many stupid things they said in a short time span. However, yesterday when I was at the Ministry of Interior, a Major in the ANA (Afghan National Army) told me that he was, in fact, married to an American. The only info I can find on his wife is that her name is Zinat (or Zenat) Karzai, shes an OB/GYN doctor who works with Afghan refugees in Pakistan, and Karzai was single until 1999. So the verdict is still out on that. Maybe she's an Afghan American? I don't know, so if you find out let me know.

So again, if he is a puppet, I would say that he's a pretty good choice for the international community. But I'm not from here, so it's not really my call.

Allow me to finish up by writing briefly on progress and success. Progress and success are two purely subjective things, so please forgive me my ethnocentricity when it comes to Afghanistan and these matters. I say this because my definition of success and progress are, to many other people, serious encroachments and violations upon traditional beliefs held near and dear to their hearts. Still, I feel that Afghanistan, while maybe not "flourishing," is progressing and being successful in [my] relative terms. I feel that success and progress can also be measured by how the stage is being set for tomorrow - hopefully we've learned a little bit from history and are mindful of what the results of our (USA/European/etc) actions and policies might look like in 5, 10, 20, 50 years from now. Obviously no one can predict that far, but again, hopefully we can learn a little bit from what history has told us and set the stage for the future. In the end, though, it ultimately comes down to the individuals playing on that stage, and I have full confidence that the Afghans be just fine.

So that's about all I have to say (on here) about the upcoming Elections. I was reading through this and I thought to myself, "If this weren't riddled with profanity, shit talking, gratuatous comments about androgynous midgets, and rather hideous organization, it might look kinda official." But let's face it, folks. I'm not official, I'm riddled with profanity, I talk shit, make comments about androgynous midgets all the time, and I'm not organized. So I appologize. But I hope you enjoy reading my blogs as much as I enjoy writing them, and I encourage you to check out Sabawoon Online for some good info. Thanks--

Americans suck. Bring back the Ruskies!

2004-09-30T04:12:00.000-07:00

Once again, I'll expound upon my title after I fill you a little bit...

I consider myself a realist... I'm embarrassed on a daily basis by the activities of my co-workers with regard to the locals here in Afghanistan. I hear people say stupid stuff all the time, stuff that makes my skin crawl. I see how people drive - everyone drives like idiots here (locals included), but I see co-workers taking it personally and freaking out blahblahblah.

--However--

I think this company is doing a lot of good things to stabilize the country. Training police, contributing to the local economy (landlords charge a lot), providing jobs, giving kids money, etc etc.. And there's the other little thing, you know, the ousting of the Taliban. No more random beatings in the street, no more public execution halftime shows at soccer games. Stuff like that.

So why am I talking about this? The LA Times recently published an article talking about how Afghans are fed up with a security firm here in Kabul. I'm going to take a couple selections from the article and break them down a little bit, just for the heck of it. I'm going to be as objective as possible, but as always, I will take the liberty to make fun of people's comments and embellishments, however "slight."

First excerpt:
"I feel like we are under an occupation," Safi said. "This is a residential area, and we are civilians. I'm worried we will be hit by a rocket. We had visiting guests come but when they saw the Americans with guns they became so scared they turned around and left."

I'm not really sure what definition of "occupied" they're going off of. I've never been occupied before, so maybe I'm not a really good judge of this, but the last time I checked there were no curfews in Kabul, and maybe the next time they have guests they should tell them about the checkpoint near their house. As far as being hit by a rocket, a couple weeks ago someone was launching rockets randomly into Kabul, killing a few civilians. Hopefully the risk of being blown to hell will motivate them to become proactive in assisting us with information they might be privy to about activities in their neighborhood. Aside from the occupation comment, though, I sympathize with them and can understand where they're coming from.

Second excerpt:
...[But] attitudes may be changing, in part because of the security issue and the behavior of some employees of the private security firms. The problem has reached the point that the U.S. Embassy is forming a committee to address the issue of Afghan perceptions of Americans, a Western official said.

Agreed. Not a whole lot I can say to dispute that. What would be more powerful than that might be foreigners (I say foreigners because, for example, most of the people in this compound are not Americans) changing their behavior in an effort to change perceptions.

Third Excerpt:
Heated debates abound in teashops and bazaars about security contractors many of whom drive aggressively, block off streets without notification, wear military fatigues and wraparound shades and appear to randomly point weapons at residents on congested streets.

Drive aggressively: A fact of life if you ever want to get from point-A to point-B in Kabul. It might just be more obvious because a lot of the vehicles we have are enormous.

Block off streets without notification: This required permission from the Ministry of Interior and cooperation with the locals in the area. Random road blocks are also a fact of life in Kabul, and not restricted to this firm or any firm.

Wear military fatigues: Not true.

Wear wraparound shades: I was unaware of the fact that wraparound shades were oppressive and militant. Most people wear them because the sun is really bright. Maybe if they have problems with "wraparound shades" they should tell the kids outside to stop selling them, and also tell the kids how offensive they are so the kids stop demanding that we give them ours.

Appear to randomly point weapons at residents on congested streets: I'm kind've split on this one... I know we have some serious rednecks in our mist who think that's fun, but for the most part people do not point weapons at residents. We all drive with weapons for protection, because there are clearly people here who mean us harm (See 2 blogs down, Zendagi Migzara.) In any case, most of the people here are professionals, and have enough experience that they don't really get off on that behavior. Like I said, however, there are exceptions.

Fourth Excerpt:
"In our tradition it is bad that women are coming and their bags are checked," he said. "When our guests come to our homes their bags are checked, it takes an hour. Then they, the Americans, come to my house, ask what I am doing, who my guests are and why they are coming. We are not terrorists."

In our tradition, it is bad to use women as suicide bombers, but unfortunately it happens a lot. I've seen how bags are checked, and it's in a very polite, unobtrusive manner. And it doesn't take an hour. Personnel here do make a point of checking up on residents, but it's also in an unobtrusive way. They are all about cooperating with residents in the area - they don't demand to know what they're doing, it's more an attempt to see how things are. This last comment reminds me of people in the USA who get pissy because they have to wait in line for a security check, and are mad because they're standing in a line that hopes to ensure their safety on an airplane that could be used in the same manner that the planes on Sept 11th were used. Is waiting in a lobby that much more glorious? Oh wait though, I forgot. The "it wont happen to me" attitude still prevails.

Fifth Excerpt:
"They are unofficial ambassadors of the United States, and we need to balance security with other concerns, the need for being open, respecting civilian Afghans, in the way we drive and conduct ourselves," he said. "At the same time we need to be mindful there are people out there who do not wish us well. This will be a constant struggle."

BRAVO. Mashallah. Agreed 100%.

Sixth (and favorite) Excerpt:
Nazar Mohmad Khazak, 81, who has lived on the street for 44 years, compared life with the security contractors to the Russian occupation of the 1980s."We are scared of the Americans," he said. "The Russians were here for 10 years and their military stations were out of the city, not among families. I passed the difficulties of the Russian occupation. But as difficult as that was, it wasn't as hard as this."

*WOW*... Michael Moore would love this comment. This is probably the same guy who came by the other day and told some of the girls who hang out by the checkpoint to "stop having sex with the infidels." (They're not, they sell stuff to us.)

Honestly. I will say a lot of negative things about the way contractors act in this country, but seriously. Let's go over some of the things the Russians did to Afghanistan:

o Lined up Afghans and ran them over with tanks
o Carried out terrorist operations against Afghans in Pakistan
o Mined the absolute dogshit (some estimates put it at 3 million mines) out of the country, many of which are still here and very much still blowing up children and farmers
o Killed thousands during their withdrawal, so as not to look like the US did in Vietnam
o Created millions of Refugees in Pakistan and Iran

(I would mention "Created a country ripe for civil war and the Taliban," but I'd have to blame the CIA for that too, and I don't want to get off the subject...)

I got this info from the book Soldiers of God, by Robert Kaplan. I'm not sure how to cite sources on a blog.. Either way, read this book. It rocks.

Apparently to Mr Khazak, these are all a better alternative than having a company train police (so they're not corrupt as hell, which they are, but who knows if that will change) and send qualified people in to protect their leaders from being killed. Kinda makes me wonder what this guy did for the Russians and, probably after that, for the Taliban, so that things "weren't so bad" when the rest of his countrymen were gettin' it stuck to them.

So in conclusion, I guess my point is that I agree with some stuff in the article, but disagree with other stuff. The article covers one perspective of the population, probably that of the uninformed/possibly senile. As I've written before, I do have a lot of respect for the Afghan people and I am concerned that these opinions are floating around, but you can never expect to make everyone happy. There's other stuff in the article I didn't add, so please read it through and see what you think. (The link is up at the top).

Anyway, more later..

The Clown-ops Continue

2004-09-17T22:51:00.000-07:00

Nothing really new to write about, I suppose. I've been keeping myself busy creating a training regime for new people and for people that have been in country for a while and not bothered to learn what they need to know. I usually work on the training stuff at night after work, when I'm bored in my room and have little else to do. It also gives me the luxury of only half concentrating on what I'm doing, as I'm often distracted by friends coming online and whatnot. So I'm usually doing three things at once - watching the National Geographic Channel, talking to 3 or 4 people at the same time, and working on something in a different window. I don't really consider this "working" though. Allow me to speak on that briefly.

I guess I had a strange image of what "work" was, because I always hear people talking about "working their ass off" or "working 10 hours" in a day. After being in the military, I kind of had a skewed image of what this whole "work" thing was, because we would go to "work" and do nothing. Then we'd go on missions, and I suppose we would "work" for sometimes 20 hours a day, but I didn't really consider it "work" then, either. It was just what we did, because it was what needed to be done to get the mission completed. Or that was what our job on the team entailed, and what we had to do.

So now I'm here in this quasi-civilian status, and I often hear people talking about the "work" they do, or "working their asses off," when in reality I know for a fact that they're writing emails or surfing the net. So I'm a little undecided on what the definition of "work" is. What I've come up with is that "work" is time spent at the "work place," regardless of what you might be doing while located in the "work place." People are very particular about how their time is spent, and even if they're doing personal business while "at work," they're not doing it on their own terms, so to them it's still "work." This leads me to believe that millions of people located in various offices around the world and in the USA who are "working their asses off" are just talking shit and being huge babies. If they weren't "at work" they'd essentially be doing the same thing at home, but they're just mad because they're not doing it in their underwear while consuming cheerios in an inappropriately huge bowl, along with an episode of Spongebob playing in the background. My point is, I think that people confuse "work" and "productivity." Instead of saying "I worked my ass off today" when they actually accomplished a solid 8 hours of work, people should say "I produced my ass off today," to indicate that they were actually productive at work. "I worked my ass off today" should be reserved for people who go to work and don't really do a whole helluva lot, but want everyone to sympathize with them because, again, they weren't at home looking at snuff videos from Iraq and eating cheerios. So I try to avoid saying I "worked my ass off," especially in an office environment. Honestly, do these people carry sandbags around and climb around on shit in the office? Have they ever been in an office for three days without showering, all the while crawling around in filth and falling into dirty rivers when it's around or below 50 degrees? I understand mental fatigue from looking at a computer screen and dealing with mouth breathers all day, but how physically wrecked could you possibly be? When someone says "I'VE BEEN WORKING MY ASS OFF HERE" I get this image of their ass somehow becoming physically detached from the rigors of the "work" they've been doing, and nothing could be farther from the truth. Even when I carried a 100+lb pack for 9 hours in the middle of the night, I never stopped and said, "Wow, I've been working my ass off," even though it did indeed feel like my ass was physically detached and in a pool of magma, nerves and all still connected. And that was before we even started "working" on the mission.

I don't really know what the point of this little rant is. Maybe because I've observed grown men acting like little kids with a serious case of hyperbole-itis. So in an attempt to continue my little game of "King of the Hill" on a mound of moral highground built by obese, 12 year old knuckle draggers trapped in the bodies of 45 year olds, I'll refuse to say that I "work my ass off."

Unless, of course, my ass happens to somehow become physically disconnected while being productive in my place of work.

Sorry about that. I didn't plan on writing that. It just happened randomly, like all glorious things. Kind've like the big bang.

Ok, like I said before, nothing new is really happening around here. Here's a funny article about someone who used to work here on the same program, and who I thought was a complete hilljack and bullshitter. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,132403,00.html Give that article a peep to see the caliber of some of the people I work with.

Enjoy your day, and have a helping of McDonalds fries for me.

Zendagi Migzara

2004-08-31T03:03:00.000-07:00

It was as normal of a day as any other. 5 of the guys that I work with and I were coming back from the gym on one of the Army bases here in town. I remember the time very clearly because little Joe asked, "What time is it?" I looked at my watch and it was 5:39pm on Sunday, the 29th of August. We pulled into the front of our complex, and just as we were stepping out of the car we heard an earth shattering explosion, followed nearly simultaneously by shattering glass and falling debris. We were all carrying our rifles, so we peaked out into the street, at which point we heard about 4 or 5 shots of sporadic gunfire, so we ducked behind cover. When we were sure the gunfire had stopped, we took up positions on the road, some of us facing towards the explosion, some of us facing away from it. Our little posse of kids was all around us, so we told them to RUN (most of them did following the blast - they're not exactly strangers to explosions in their town.)

I knew it had to be the other house owned by our company, located about 400 meters down the road, based on where I saw smoke and from where the explosion came from. All we could do at this point was block the road in case of a secondary attack, but as it is with most car bombings, the attacks are over a split second after they've begun. There was no gunfire exchanged; the gunfire was either cooked off rounds after the explosion or people freaking out after the fact. There was no fight, just carnage.

We found out the names of the guys who died in the blast, and since we support all the programs out here we knew them. I'm not gonna lie and pretend like I knew them well, like we were "comrades," or that I even particularly had any affinity towards them, but they certainly didn't deserve to meet their end like that. It sounds cliche, but I suppose there's a reason cliches are used so much.

Today I visited the site for the first time, and I've never seen anything like it. The sheer amount of damage done to the house that we (initially) spent so much time in is appalling. Places we stood, places we relaxed, let down our guard at, are completely demolished. Based on where the crater is, the person in the car could not have gotten any closer to the house. They simply drove up, a few guys probably got out to tell them not to park there, and that was it. What remained of the people who were killed by the blast was covered up by 1ft x 3ft pieces of cloth. It smelled like rotten, charred meat in front of the building.

Beyond that I don't really know what to say. Something like this happens and you expect some sort of conflicting emotions, some sort of Faulknerian or Normal Mailer-esque reactions to the situation, but I didn't experience anything like that. Maybe this is because I wasn't there during or right afterwards, or I didn't lose any close friends in the blast. They have a saying here that I recently read in a book called The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini - Zendagi Migzara - Life goes on.

The blasts didn't change my views of the Afghan people at all. Unlike what you see on CNN in Iraq, there was no rioting or cheering like it was some sort of sporting event. There certainly were a lot of people milling about, but they stayed a respectable distance and observed quietly. I don't feel that the bombers were representative of the Afghan people, and from what I've seen and what I've gotten from talking to the people here, they are making an effort to get back on their feet in their own time. They're not sitting around and blaming everyone for their problems - they're history is such that they simply rebuild, go on, and survive.

Zendagi Migzara.

For the CNN story on the blasts, you can check out:
http://www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/asiapcf/08/29/afghan.explosion.ap/

Who the fuck is Mussolini?

2004-08-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

Well, I'll get to the title of this page in a moment.

I know I didn't write for like a month, and then I wrote the other day, but I have some good information. 2 reasons: 1: I watched Fahrenheit 911. 2: Retarded statements aren't limited to Michael Moore and white trash. High level execs can say stupid shit too.

So today, we're sitting at the BBQ we have here on Friday nights. It is, quite possibly, the most depressing BBQ in the world. Appropriate, being that this is Afghanistan, but I've been to some raging BBQs here. Anyway, this company comes out and actually puts together a really nice spread. They have dudes who work for the company that does the BBQ (and in our little chow hall) in these little butler-esque outfits, and they take your plate away when your done, all the nice stuff. So why is it a shitty BBQ? I'll tell you why. The "bigwigs" of the programs show up. The asshole level and fun level are in direct proportion to one another; the more assholes show up, the less fun it is. It's not completely without rewards, though. When they show up sometimes their little guard detail guys show up and stand on the fringes of the BBQ and maddog everyone. By the way, it's a secure compound. Don't tell them that, they'd have to pull their tongue out of their boss's anus long enough to look around and see how goddamn stupid they look.

I digress.

So we're sitting there, and the second in command shows up. I'm not gonna name any names; suffice it to call him "Sgt Maj" (cuz that's what people (me not included) call him.) Anyway, we were sitting there noticing how many kites were flying around. They like kites here. Apparently the Taliban didn't let them fly kites, so now that the Taliban is gone, they fly kites. Simple pleasures, right? Anywho, one of the guys was explaining why they fly kites, and the Sgt Maj pipes up in his "I'm gonna run my mouth cuz I'm used to having 2000 people who don't have any choice but to listen to me" voice and says, "Well, the Taliban had a lot of contributions too. Like low crime."

Woe..

I was dumbfounded. Yeah, I guess they did have low crime rates. I guess that's what happens when you're an oppressive regime and like holding public executions. Turning soccer stadiums into live fire ranges with human targets and slitting people's throats in public, stuff like that. Apparently crimes against humanity is a better alternative to stealing apples and loaves of bread. So, after my sphincter relaxed (cuz I about shit myself) I said, "Well, Mussolini made the trains run on time." And yeah. He looked at me like "Who the fuck is Mussolini?" Or maybe it was more like, "Mussolini was a train conductor? I thought he was the guy on the Chef Boy'r'Dee's can." I dunno. I get those expressions mixed up sometimes.

Good ole Timmy Taliban and Mussolini. World contributors.

Ok, on to the next point:

Michael Moore is obese.

Moving on.

So I watched his documentary. I'm not gonna say it was with an open mind, cuz it wasnt. I'd heard some stuff about it before. The title of the movie irritated me too, cuz I read Fahrenheit 451 in middle school and I liked it. Maybe we can use it as a little hickometer though: "If you don't know what the title of this movie is referencing, you will probably think it's really informative."

Anyway, quite a propaganda stunt, I suppose. Now, the obvious response to many mouth breathers would be, "WELL WE WERE LIED TO." Yeah, we were. We all know it, and I think at some level we all kinda feel stupid about it. Or disappointed at least. In any case, one distortion of facts doesn't cancel out the other.(- + - = +) Put away your Algebra books, people, cuz I know that's how most people think. Luckily, I was fortunate enough to be born completely inept at math, so I can see past such conditioning.

I resent his rhetoric in the movie. I resent how he portrays the military, and I resent the fact that he runs around Capitol Hill asking government people if they would "send" their children off to Iraq. Newsflash, fuckstick: Parents don't send their children to the military. While he spent a good amount of time showcasing a woman who told her kids from day 1 that the military was a great thing, believe it or not, most parents have a shitfit when their kids join the military. A parent doesn't "send" their kid off to the military anymore than a parent "sends" their kid to vote for who they (the parents) want them to vote for. Age 18. Magic number. Take responsibility for your actions.

The images of grieving parents and wounded American soldiers has an effect on me and most of the people I know, so watching it being used to forward his little agenda (whatever that may be - probably just to make more money so he can eat more cheeseburgers) was a little tough to swallow. I didn't spend that much time in the military - just 5 years. But I joined. And I'm not going to begrudge anyone their choice NOT to join, or their reservations about "sending" their kids to join. That's what's wonderful about America. You don't have to join. An obese douche (who was never in the military) running around trying to guilt trip public servants about not "sending" their children to the military is totally inappropriate. As much as he would like to run around and pretend like he's doing us a huge service by "informing" us on things that are totally obvious to anyone that doesn't live in an igloo, let's face it: He has to feed himself. And from the looks of it, he's doing more than OK.

I guess there are other things in the movie that bothered me, but I don't really feel like mentioning them all. Maybe it's cuz I was in the military (and he wasn't) and my best friend is bound for Iraq I get a little irritated at these media whores.

The Columbine movie was OK - Michael Moore is a card carrying member of the NRA and supports gun totin' and all that good stuff. He has some credibility in that arena. But the military is one gun club he was never a member of, and in my opinion has no right to be misrepresenting the military as a whole.

Well, that's all for now I guess.. More later

Rumors of my demise .........

2004-08-11T03:55:00.000-07:00

Well, Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggeratted. Mark Twain said something like that. I think.

Well, things have been going pretty smoothly lately. We've been teaching a lot of classes, trying to get the good word out. The good word of the comms gods. I don't really know why I haven't written anything - I guess when I've been somewhere for a while, things get pretty mundane.. That's not too difficult around here - there's sort of groove you settle into after a while around here.

I will say that, as always, I do enjoy teaching quite a bit. I get a good amount of job satisfaction from teaching - I have the students fill out comments sheets at the end of class, and the feedback is always good. The guys we're sub'd under are all excited, cuz they can send the comment sheets to DC and look good. This whole "making other people look good" thing is getting a bit old, but what do I care? I think I'm doing a good job, which is a lot more than a lot of people can say. I feel like I at least have a purpose of being out here - it sucks going day to day not really knowing why the hell you're here. Granted, the salary here makes it more bearable, but salary alone isn't always sufficient. Job satisfaction, baby.

Well, they moved us. We knew it was gonna happen, but not exactly when. We moved from a compound on the outskirts of Kabul into the compound where we work. I guess it has its pros and cons. We don't have to suit up and drive into work anymore.. We can just roll outta bed and go to eat or whatever. Ok, so the cons?? Well, we live in the same place as those who think they're still in the military. What's that mean? Well, all the up-n-ups live here too, so they like to make rules about every little thing. There are a lot of signs around telling us what we're not allowed to do - that sort of thing.

Another plus side is that we live in what I call "Little South Africa." Most of the South African guys live right by us, so there's never a dull moment.

Well, if anything exciting happens, I suppose whoever is reading this will be the first to know. Until then, peace--

Bamiyan Trip

2004-07-12T23:01:00.000-07:00

Aah, where to start… I guess I can begin by saying that the Bamiyan trip was certainly incredible for a number of reasons. I never thought I’d ever see those sort of sites, that kind of terrain, and those kinds of people.

Let’s start with the people. The people seemed a lot more open than the people here in Kabul; they always smiled and waved.. It was also like being in a different world (here in a different world) because the people all looked Mongolian. You can read about them here. I got a lot of good shots of the people in that area on my pictures page.

So the drive there.. We left at like 4am and gathered up all the Afghani police that we brought with us. They had several busses and a large truck, so the going was slow. However, the scenery was something to see, and I got a lot of good pictures of it. We finally reached the Bamiyan hotel (we stayed there in the parking lot) sometime after midnight. We slept there, and when I woke up I was greeted by some spectacular scenery. After the Taliban took over, they wanted to erase any evidence/presence of any other religion than Islam in the country, so they took it upon themselves to destroy the world’s largest standing Buddhas, carved into the cliffs in the 3rd century AD. Here’s an article about it. You can look on that site to see what it used to look like, and then you can go to my pictures site (in the Bamiyan folder) to see what’s left behind. :( Very depressing. We waited at the Bamiyan hotel until the Afghani officers had properly stuffed their faces, then we took off to the Forward Operating Base and set up shop.

The FOB was set up in a canyon surrounded on all sides by sheer cliffs. There was a castle on one of the sides that had apparently been there for 1300 years. Everywhere we went in Bamiyan there were abandoned buildings, things left behind from another era.. Tanks, anti-aircraft guns, dwellings, everything. I thought it was kinda symbolic of the people who live in that area. No matter what the current state of geopolitics, what regime is in power in Afghanistan, for a loooooong time these people’s lifestyle hasn’t changed all that drastically. They’re just trying to carve out a living and existence in whatever way they can, which is why I kinda felt bad when they started cutting down their poppy fields. All the villagers could do was sit there while their fields were swarmed by men with sickles, all under the eyes of many armed men. What could they do? Just watch as their hard work was cut down. I seriously doubt they’re gonna stand by and let that happen much more.

So anyway, there was some cutting going on, then we convoyed back in like 7 hours. We were seriously hauling ass, and we beat the living shit out of the trucks (F250s) we were in. There’s probably like $5000 damage to all the trucks that were in the convoy (a piece), and there were like 12 trucks. At one point I think we had all 4 wheels off the road – it was insane. So we came back, and the rest of our crew didn’t come back (they went to Bagram) until like 3pm the next day. So we had to wait another day to take a shower…….! That kinda sucked.

In any case, I will reiterate that it was quite an amazing trip. The makeup of the group was interesting; mainly South Africans for security and stuff, 3 Angolans, 3 Bosnians for unexploded ordinance, and only like 4 or 5 Americans. We also had a lot of Nepalese dudes with us – they recruit former Ghurkas for security purposes as well. The Ghurka who rode with us was actually a Sherpa too. He didn’t have any problems up there in the high mountains. ;) I felt pretty safe with all these guys protecting us, but let’s face it. If they’re gonna get you, they’re gonna get you. So all you can really do is be as safe as possible and enjoy the ride. ;)

相変わらず酔っ払っとる

2004-07-03T11:42:00.000-07:00

。。。だから間違いが多いかも。

じゃ、また今晩イタリアの基地に行って、ピッザ食べていっぱい飲んだ。チョーおもろかった。ヨーロッパ人のパーティやりかたがアメリカ人よりいいと思う。アメリカ人はケンかばっかりで、飲むとバカな事やっちゃうんだ。イタリア人、スペイン人、ノルウェー人、でぶなカナダ人（カナダ人嫌い）もいたよ。他の国の人もいたけどどこからか覚えてない。ごめん。

月曜日にバミヤンという場所に行く予定だ。（バミヤン県）バミヤンって日本にある中華料理のレストランでしょ？バミヤンというレストランで食べた事あるけど、実際のバミヤンに行くからすごくない？？？？？？Talibanがバミヤンにある仏教の偶像を爆発した（ひどい、タリバンも嫌い）。バミヤンで俺の”会社”がポピーという植物を絶やしてる。色んな麻薬がポピーから来るよ。アメリカがアフガニスタンを助けてて、俺たちがアフガニに色んな事を教えてる。実はポピーがあるかどうか別に関係ないけど、この仕事好きで、お金がいい。捨身（リスク）がやっぱりあるけど、捨身のない人生が退屈だ。でしょ？今、これ読んでる捨身のない人生がある人がもっとおもろい人生欲しいかな？？？（それに捨身のない仕事の給料が低いんだ、ふふふ。。。）←（自慢）戻ったら、写真いっぱいUploadするよ。

将来に、日本にいる時に機会あればバミヤンというレストランに行きたい。店員に「おい、アフガニスタンのバミヤン行った事ある人が割引もらえるか！？？！」と言いたいと思う。（言わないけど言いたい。。）

実はこの文を読んでる人と一緒にバミヤンというレストランでゆっくり食べて時間過ごしたい。読んでありがとう。いい夢見て、気をつけてね。。
ー　ポールより

Europeans are A-Ok

2004-07-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

Once again, its saturday night and we decided to go over to the Italian compound to enjoy some pizza (and lotsa bacardi). I get a kick out of the way they do things, and i think that americans could learn a lot from them. They way they kick back and have a good time is so PG-13 - no one is all pissy and ornery, everyone is just there to have a good time. True, there are like 5 girls to every 300 dudes, but there arent any fights. Contrast this to my time spent in Okinawa, where it's like 3 girls to every 30 guys, and it was nothing but fighting and stupidity. One time I was chillin at a bar with this girl I was kinda seeing. I went to the bathroom, and when I came back there were 3 dudes sitting at the table with her. Uuh, ok. Luckily I'm a ferocious specimen of spin kicking destruction, so any nastiness was avoided. In any case, there were maybe 7 girls from Spain there, and one of the guys we went with is quite the dancer. So when they started playing spanishy music he was out there cutting a rug, and that definitely made the night worth it. Also, another guy we went with is Mexican, and it was just as fun to see him try and spit game in Spanish and get shot down. heheheh

This coming week I might be a little incommunicado for a bit - got some stuff to do here and there, so I won't be on quite so much. But I'll be sure to make a post when I come back, along with a lot of really cool photos on my pictures page. So be sure to give it a look-see.

That's about it for now - wish me luck. ;)

「やめよう、ポイ捨て」

2004-06-29T08:19:00.000-07:00

どこへ行っても、日本語の字読める。日本からの車がなんとなくここにある。例えば、大阪からのゴミ収集車見て、日本語で「やめよう、ポイ捨て」って書いてある。タクシーも変な事が書いてある。タクシーの後ろに「秋田商売」とかが書いてある。だからあっちこっち行く時に、色んな練習できる。

俺のルームメートはアホだ。22歳で、アメリカの南の方から来た田舎者だ。いつもうざい話し方でバカな事言ってる。よく大きな声で変でバカな事言ってるからよく恥ずかしい。解決：イジメ。怒ったら何も言わないからいじめる。他の解決あれば知らせてください。

今日、アフガ二に話しかかれた。ダリ語が分からないからやっぱり何言ってたか分からなかった。アフガに見える？そう思わないけどアフガにに話しかかれた。不思議。

最近、外にいる子供はちょっとうざくなって来た。何か産んだり、靴をみがいたりすれば、お金あげる。でも、何もしてくれないで、「ユー　ギッブ　ミー　１　ドッラー」と何回も言われるのがうざい。かなりうざい。役に立ってるダリ語習った：「ボラボラ！」って「行け行け！」という意味だからよく使う。一昨日、子供が来て、「1ドルちょうだい」と言って、あげた。でもあげたら、「ありがとう」と言わないで「Give me 1 more dollar」って。警察の給料が毎月＄３０くせに、1ドルあげたらもっと欲しかった。びっくり。

今日また子犬と遊んだ。

最近タバコいっぱい吸ってる。何でか分からん。

それで以上だ。

日本語で書いてみるよ(This is in Japanese so it might not show up)

2004-06-28T05:51:00.000-07:00

日本語で書けるかどうか分からん（字が読める事）。辞書もないから間違いいっぱいあるよ。ごめん。とにかく、今アフガニスタンにいる。何でかというのは簡単です：お金～～！何もしないで、生活保障もらうよりいいよ。いい経験だからまじで嬉しいよ。写真もあるよ。見たければ、ここをクリックしてください。

今の仕事はコミュニケーション専門家です。辞書なくて正しい言葉分からないから説明はめんどくさい。でも仕事好き。9月までいるけど、戻るかもしれない。（9月にアメリカに帰って行って、友達の結婚式と高校Renunionに行くよ）。いい仕事探せばここに戻らない。また日本に戻りたいけど、英会話の先生はしない。政府に関する仕事が最高だと思う。

いい事：お金使えない（食べ物、Etcが含まれる）、いっぱいSaveして旅行したいよ。旅行友募集中。

じゃ、以上っす。ニュースあればここにポストします。またねー

1 little 2 little 3 little Indians...

2004-06-27T07:22:00.000-07:00

...And when I say "Indians," I dont mean "injuns," I mean people from India. Ok, so today was eventful in the fact that I was fairly busy for most of it, and when I wasn't busy I was doing two of my favorite things: Playing with a large puppy and discussing kilometers to the litre (of gas) in my car back in the states. So yeah, we showed up to the pink house (cuz its pink) and they have a really cool puppy there. I don't know his name, but he's gonna be an enormous dog. Anyway, I played with him for about an hour and a half, until he got mad at me and started attacking me. Then he got tired of attacking me and he went outside and ate some chicken. In any case, I saw one of the coolest things ever outside of the pink house. For those of you who dont know, a satellite dish covered in heineken can aluminium is something to behold. I went up on the roof and played up there for a few hours, and it was hotter than hades. However, there was a nice view of a castle right there that looks quite biblical. After being scorched for a while, I went down and watched cricket. I don't understand the rules of cricket, so one of the magic Indians sat down with me and explained the rules. I call them the magic Indians (there's 5 of them) 'cuz when I first got here the big deal was to get them out to Afghanistan so they could solve the internet problems. Cuz let's face it, when people dont have internet they shit themselves. Then when they have internet, if it's slow, they shit themselves before their underwear can even dry up. (See previous post about some of the people around here to get an idea of the type of people who might shit themselves daily.) After we talked about cricket for a bit, he asked me many questions about how many kilometers to the litre my car at home gets. I'm fine with miles - km conversion, but I dunno how many litres there are in a gallon. I know how big a 2 litre bottle is - that's about it. So he debated for a while about the size and we continued watching cricket.

When we were leaving, a little Afghani kid walked up and asked me for a dollar. I usually dont give it to em. In the words of Robert Heinlein, "The worst thing you can do for a starving person is give them food." *Give* is the keyword here. Maybe I forgot about that little line I've been throwing out every so often these days, but I felt like being in a giving mood so I gave the kid a dollar. And unless "Thank you" in Dari is "Give me another dollar," I think I learned my lesson (again.) A dollar here is probably a day's salary for his dad, and all he can say is "Gimme another one." He's lucky I'm not in the business of kicking kids in the abdomen, or he'da had a rough rest of the week.

I suppose I should mention what we did last night too. We went over to the ISAF compound 'cuz the word on the street was that there was pizza and beer. ISAF are like the international security forces or something - it's a multi-national force, but yesterday we went to the Italian compound cuz they had pizza. They also had a little club set up, and it actually had the feel of a club, at least a club where everyone was in uniform and carrying whatever enormous rifle the Italian military is issued. It also had a very European feel to it though - ridiculously tight track suits, bubble-gum techno music, and people attempting to dance to it. We bailed at about 10:30pm, but not before I could get a picture with a bunch of Italian servicemembers. Fortunately, my predictions were wrong - we didnt get the shit beat out of us by a bunch of handsome Italian men, but on the plus side it looks like we might have something to do on Saturday nights. And we had good pizza. With corn on it. Just like in Japan.

More later-

Lame-ometer: Very high

2004-06-27T04:51:00.000-07:00

I'm kinda bored right now, and I havent gotten a chance to put some pictures up yet, so I'll go ahead and rant for a second 'cuz I was listening to the conversation of one of the obese execs that sits around here all day and pretends to be important.

Ok, how lame do you have to be to retain your military rank AFTER you've exited the service?? And who's more lame: People who insist on being called their rank, or people who actually call them by their rank?? Around here, we have someone who is called "The General". What kills me, is he was never a general, he was a colonel, and even funnier, the guy who is the senior guy (senior to the general) is called "the colonel". So we have a guy called "the general" who was a colonel, and a guy called "the colonel" who is senior to the general. So now we have a bunch of dudes who maybe spent 4 years in the military sometime in the 1970s running around calling people "General" and "Colonel" (let's not forget Sgt Maj, too, he just got here) and kissing ass like it's cool. Have some pride. And stop eating. These guys weigh 500 lbs and make vocal noises when they breathe, which while amusing, makes me worried cuz I'm not CPR certified at the moment.

So I think I'm going to demand being called "The Reichsmarshall." Apparently it doesnt matter if you're called by something other than your rank, so I'm gonna take it a step further and see to it that it's acceptable to be called ranks from a different country's military. (Korean ranks sound lame, so I didnt pick one of those). Oh yeah, and just so my ass is covered, I'll ensure that it's ok to misspell things like "Reichsmarshall" cuz I have no idea how to spell it correctly.

More later when I get some pics on-
- Reichsmarshall Paul

Why make a blog? This is why....

2004-06-26T02:53:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. For those of you who don't know, I'm in Afghanistan right now. Anyway, a guy I'm here with made a weblog, and about 5 minutes into me making fun of him, he mentioned that it was more efficient than posting emails. I guess I can't disagree with him on that, so I figured I'd eat my words and make one of my own. I guess I'll make little postings on here, and try not to be too cheesy in an attempt to avoid being made fun of myself. If you want to see pure, unadulterated cheesiness, you can check his out. He has some good stuff in there, and stuff that I wouldn't bother putting in there, I,e. Nepalese food recipes, and waxing poetic about our trip into Little Uzbekistan (I made that up, and he didn't give me credit). First thing's first: check out my pictures page - by clicking here. I make updates every so often, mainly when I go bananas with my camera and decide to take pictures of kids or something. So here's a summary of what's been going on: I got here about a month ago; May 28thish or something, after a 12 hour layover in Vienna (which rocked) and being relieved of $210 in Azerbaijan (which didn't rock.. No one told them they're not commies anymore). So Azerbaijani airport workers are now #2 on my pantheon of international jackasses; North Koreans being in a huge lead at #1 and Canadians at a close #3. I guess I'll be here for a few more months; after that the sky's the limit. Maybe I'll come back? Maybe I won't? If you're 100% opposed to me staying here, then I'd suggest you assist me in some sort of employment, preferably in Japan (not teaching English, thanx). Anyway, things are goin good out here, and even if they weren't I'd probably tell you they were anyway, cuz announcing the loss of a digit or a limb on a weblog is a breach of etiquette as far as I know, so I'll keep my maimings to myself. To continue, I'm in Kabul, which is kinda cool. Like I said, I'll be in the states mid-septemberish, cuz I'm going to a wedding and then to my 10 year highschool reunion. That oughtta be interesting.

So what am I doing here? Nothing snazzy really. But we're very safe, we never cruise around by ourselves (which is how people get kidnapped), never walk anywhere, and we carry weapons so we're not exactly a soft target. We also avoid the regular places where internationals go (like the plague), so we're doing everything we can and never becoming complacent. That's about all we can do, and it's nice cuz everywhere we look there are people who ARE complacent and unsafe, so the idea is that they're much juicier targets if someone decides to get frisky.

So why am I here? It's good experience, and the pay's good. Collecting Iowa unemployment was cool and all, especially that part about sitting around and waiting for the DC folks to get their shit together, but this is better. And I obviously have enough time to myself to where I can sit around and write stupid weblogs.

Anyway, stay tuned for more madness as it comes. I don't expect anything really, but you all will be the first to know. Feel free to email me whenever about whatever, or post comments on here. More later--